The Tiffanys break down the "Soft Girl Era", and dive into themes of empathy, resilience, and generational differences. They explore how these concepts can shape individual perspectives and experiences, plus drop a lot of a game on how to get in your Soft Girl bag.
In this episode, we dive into the topic of embracing the soft girl era and what it means for us. We explore how self-care and setting boundaries is crucial, and discuss how this concept affects women, especially black women, and highlight the importance of resilience amidst life's challenges. The conversation touches on navigating the balance between enjoying modern luxuries and cultivating inner strength. We share insights into making life more enjoyable while staying true to yourself...From hiring help to indulging in massages, or booking a private yacht..Tune in for a candid discussion on finding what works best for you and living your best life!
Tap in with us: tapinwithtiffany@gmail.com
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Episode Chapters
00:05 Introduction: Meet the Tiffanys
00:51 The Soft Girl Era: A Discussion
02:25 The Struggle: Navigating the Hardships
03:51 The Transition: From Hard to Soft
06:11 The Generational Gap: Gen Z vs. Millennials
07:19 The Importance of Boundaries
17:39 The Luxury of Delegation: Housekeeping and More
25:55 The Future: Preparing the Next Generation
28:08 Understanding the Cost of Comfort
28:35 Embracing Convenience Services
29:12 The Desire for Domesticity
29:58 The Luxury of Massages and Yacht Charters
31:12 Dreaming of Private Jet Travel
31:46 Listener Questions: Teaching Empathy and Resilience
46:46 The Reality of Being an Influencer
50:41 The Privilege of Travel and Teaching Empathy
52:36 Closing Thoughts: The Balance of Giving and Teaching Gratitude
[00:00:00] Hey y'all, welcome to tap in with Tiffany. We are three black PhD therapists who all happen to be named Tiffany. We're here to discuss a little tea, talk a little shit, but most of all have a lot of fun. So let me start with letting you all know that while we are all therapists, we are not y'all therapists.
Okay? So don't come up here with no mess. Don't try to sue us. Don't Your mama or your daddy. We are equal opportunities. All right. Okay. Thank you. Welcome
Hey y'all so today We are talking about the soft girl era and what that [00:01:00] means Um, some people have different definitions, but in general, TikTok says that it means purposely creating a lifestyle with minimal stress and setting boundaries. So we want to talk about that and explore that in reference to women, but also black women.
Because I think. There's a nuance that probably needs to be addressed when we talk about our soft girl era. Because I want one. I'm trying to get in it. Um, it's ideal. It's ideal. I mean, like, it sounds real good on paper, but actually bringing it into fruition, I think is the tough part. Yeah. Right? Like, how do we actually make it happen?
I think the, it's the soft part, right? Like, we don't want to be viewed as soft all the time, right? But I also think that these days we are trying to get into a more, like we don't give a shit no [00:02:00] more. Like, I don't want to be the strong friend, I mean, the strong woman, I'm going to be the strong friend, that's fine.
But I don't want to be the strong woman anymore. I'm good. Absolutely. I was her. For a long time. Absolutely. Yeah. No, that resonates. Because I think for a while, soft, you know, we equate soft with weakness or. Yes, you know being walked over or whatever, but I'm with you. I'm ready to be so I'm ready to be pillow cotton ball Cushy You can have it you can have it you think that comes with age like I had a space where um You know, like over a certain age, you just, well, that's when you don't give a shit.
I do know that that comes with age, like where you, where you say everything and keep nothing because I don't care. But is there an age where you're like, I have been, you know, doing my thing. I don't want to call it the hard girl. Cause that sounds weird, but the not, [00:03:00] the not soft girl, if that makes sense.
So, but it's like, you're, you're pressing through pressing and pressing and pressing in. Like, is there a time where you just like, you know what, cause I say that because we all feel the same, but then it's weird because you know, tick tock says that, but some of those that are saying I'm in my soft girl season are like 22.
Exactly. Like, girl, what you did to be soft, like, and I ain't mad at him, don't get me wrong. I wish I was softer in my 20s, right? I had the ability to be. The liberty to be, I think that that's, what's different. With this age group, but it's or or generation. I don't know what it is, but yeah You ain't earned it Exactly.
Well, okay, but but I think that's that's a good point So so is there a need for the transition? Like do you have to do the hard stuff before you can? [00:04:00] Fully encompass the software era, or is it more of just like a mindset of self care, you know, minimal stress, just living that life from the onset, because I don't think there's anything wrong with that particularly, like just that, that approach to just living.
easier, right? But because we've been through struggle and because it's been stress and goal and, you know, pushing forward and pushing through, there's a transition for us. But is that, is it necessary to have like the first part before you embrace the soft girl era? Oh, don't, no. Ugh. I I feel like it can go both ways, right?
Like, I feel like you need some work, maybe not struggle, but you've gotta work to get to things. Like, whatever that saying is, like something worth having is, is worth. I made it a worth, worth the work. Yeah. Whatever, you know. Effort. Yeah. Like effort. Mm-Hmm. . But does it have to be a struggle or like hard work?
Like, and when I say [00:05:00] hard, like. Like what we've gone through. Like, I feel like, and you talked about black women, like, cause we all have PhDs. I feel like that's a whole, we'll get into that in a minute. I'm sorry, let me go back. Harrison asked a good question, like, is that our age? And I think for me, it is age.
Like I always heard in your 40s. You gonna be like, girl, I don't care and in the fifties gets even more like I really don't give a shit
And your sixties is really like who gonna check me boo So, yes, I think part of it is age I don't know and you also just like I know for me I got all my friends. I got a man. And even if I, you know, didn't, I can get a man. Like, I ain't worried about that. And even if I ain't got one, I'm okay by myself, you know.
I don't care. [00:06:00] Okay, I changed my hair. You care? Do you care? You got, you care about my hair? Like, I need you to get a life. No, I'm with you. I'm with you. I, well, I think, I think that's a generational difference too, like you were mentioning earlier. I mean, I think there, there, I have a lot of criticism about the Gen Zs, but , I think one of the things that I do.
Value in them is their ability to not give a fuck at their age. I agree. Like if a job is not working for them, they out, uh, the real good with blocking people. Yes. You know what I mean? Like I feel like we had to learn that we had to set boundaries. We had to get rid of toxic people. We had to like really make an effort to like clear the space.
Yeah. We had to really make an effort to clear the space because there were so many things that were ingrained in us. Gen Xers and millennials that were unhealthy, but I feel like they're growing up with a little bit of a healthier mindset from the [00:07:00] beginning. So like I said, well, with us it's more of a transition to the soft girl era.
And with them, I feel like they're kind of bred for that. Mm. You know what I mean? Like their, their bread would be setting boundaries from the beginning. Like Yeah. And it's just a part of their lifestyle. We didn't really give it, it didn't, we didn't get it that way. It wasn't given to us that way because I don't think our people was taught to set boundaries.
No. Right. Oh, no. So, which is why they struggle now when we set boundaries with them, right? Like, yes, these, I see it in my own family. Like I set boundaries and they're like. What you doing? You do what we tell you to do. What you mean? No, you ain't coming over for this holiday. They cross right over. I'm like, why are you being so mean?
And it's like, it's not mean. It's just a no, no, you're not used to no. It's just no. Well, they were taught, you know, family over everything. Right. So. You don't say no to your [00:08:00] elder, who, how, it doesn't matter how old you are. So then they pass that to us. I'm just not sure where this generation learned they don't have to fight.
Like, did we say, am I teaching my child? Like, well, to set boundaries. I think it's an observation, right? Because in the same way that we saw our parents get run over. Right. I mean, it took us a little longer to be like, uh, no, but you know what I mean? I think we looked to them to, and understood like, I don't want to live like that.
Like, I don't want to be under that same pressure. So I've got to change it up. I might've got it a little late cause you ain't teach it to me, but I see it. Right. And I don't want it. And so maybe they're looking at us like, okay, from the start, like, that's how I want to live my life. So maybe it's just an observational thing.
I don't know. Uh, I would, that's what we need to do is get a Gen Z on one day and just have a conversation, you know, once it just are like, I don't, or write [00:09:00] in, like, you know, send us an email and tell us how do you set boundaries? Like, how are you able to be like, No, I'm cool. I ain't doing that. Or like I watch, this is one guy.
I gotta look at his name. He on Instagram and he'll do like how Gen Z's are in an interview.
And they don't care. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They definitely have the don't give a fuck real early. They do. And I don't, I mean, I have one of those. I know one. And I'm always like, um. What that's but it's kind of interesting because it's a little too much. I don't give a fuck though Okay, then like I need you to it's a little too like I'm like, I understand that it's uncomfortable You're in a situation.
That's not comfortable, but some of that What is it? [00:10:00] Uncomfortability is a process in which you grow through and because you are immediately uncomfortable, you say, forget this and move on, which unfortunately doesn't teach you the press through and you're. I mean, if you just keep quitting in life and just jumping all the way through, you're going to have a lot of problems.
I understand that your life, like y'all grow up or whatever that is y'all, y'all act this way. But in the same sense, you're going to have issues because you don't know how to press through. Or I mean, there's a process to everything, right? Like even in counseling, there's a process to counseling and it's going to get difficult.
And unfortunately, if you are one does it. This is uncomfortable for me. I'm in my soft, whatever you want to call it. I'm done. I'm going to leave. Well, you're never going to get to the part that you need to get to because you can't go through the uncomfortable piece of [00:11:00] change. If that makes sense. Yeah, no.
That's a great point. I think, and I think that's what Darby was speaking to earlier. The, the benefit of the struggle. Yeah. Right. And the benefit of having it because it's not all negative. Like you learn things out of struggle. You learn things out of, yeah, absolutely. I mean, there's something valuable that comes from it, even though.
It's a trial. I talk about distress tolerant skills a lot with my clients, and being able to tolerate the discomfort. To not move away from it, to not avoid it, to not drink it away, smoke it away, sex it away, you know what I mean? But figuring out what you do when you're uncomfortable, and how you sit in it, and how you manage through that.
It really is an important skill, it's a muscle. What is life? Right? I think it's important to teach the skill of moving through it, not sitting in it, because that's the part where when you sit in it, you are now, it's just, you just always irritated. So I get it that you [00:12:00] want a soft girl. Whatever, because you've been sitting in something that is just like whack for real, if that makes, I mean, you know what I mean?
Like, so then you want to move forward eventually. So I think I just seen a quote too, but I can't, it's something like, um, understanding or knowing when. It's time, like when to leave, when to do anything. It said like, leave the party, leave a relationship, leave. It says something like that, but that makes sense because that then will cater to the soft girl.
But just think about that for a second, how difficult it is when you've been in a relationship to leave it when you still care, but you need to leave it. Yes. That's also a process. So, you know what I mean? So, but if so, if I go Gen Z, if I go Gen Z, what happens in that space? They quit a lot of things they do.
Um, and it's, it's real quick. Like, whoop. Nope. Uh, uh, bro. I'm done. [00:13:00] Yes. Right. So it's like, I'm out. I get it. And maybe that's, but is that certain things, right? Like, if it's an unhealthy, like super unhealthy, abusive, right? Like, yes, you got to go. There's a great area. So that's why I'm like. I feel like I love that part about them, but I also, there's also a dislike in some aspects because some of those things that you're make that make you uncomfortable are for you to grow.
And then some of them, yeah, you need to go either. You're going to grow or you're going to go and you need to figure out which one it is at what time and just making sure that you don't quit. When you're actually supposed to be growing or learning something just because it's uncomfortable doesn't mean you can't learn from it Yeah, and if you think about faith, right like All of us are Christian the three of us, right?
Like so we believe in God and God takes us through this is what we We know, I mean, I don't [00:14:00] know. I, I know it like I've been through a lot of things and to come out on the other side was like, this is my testimony. This is you have taught me to be patient or to, uh, just wait on him. Like, whatever it is, I'm in it now.
I'm in the season of waiting. Wait on you. Wait on the Lord. So, you know, wait, wait. Oh, the Lord. The problem is, is that control piece though? Like, I'm out of control. No, that's, but that's very real though. That's very real. Cause you know, growing up in the church, that is a premise, you know, you be still and wait on the Lord.
Right. Well, you don't know what to do. You have to wait to hear a word. You have to wait to be moved. You have to pray about it. And I think it was. You know, just in, in the same vein of trying to find like that middle ground of how long do you wait [00:15:00] before you take a step on faith and do some things different?
Cause faith without works is dead, right? Like, so you still gotta do some works. Let's talk about it. But again, it's, it's, it's a middle ground, right? Like not being so, um, uncomfortable with the discomfort that you're moving away from everything. But also having the awareness to know when it's not for you.
I like what Harrison said, if you're gonna go or you're gonna grow. You know what I mean? It's gonna be one or the other. But figuring out when and how. Yeah. And what that looks like can be difficult, especially for the younger generation. I think. I don't, I don't know if they have the, um, well, they don't have the life experience just because, you know, they're young, but I don't know if they, they think they do just like we did.
Yeah. Right. Right. And so, and so maybe there's some benefit to this transition that we're talking about having to kind of go through the stuff first. And then [00:16:00] temporary, you know, with the soft girl era and have a really good understanding of what it all looks like before we make a decision about what we want to settle in.
Yeah. I just feel like you gotta have some work. You gotta put in some work. Does it need to be grueling? Don't suffer. Don't suffer. Right. Suffer. Right. There doesn't need to be suffrage. However. You need to work. You need to get a skill. You need to get a degree if that's it, whatever that looks like for you.
But you gotta have something coming to the table. I can't, I can hire you as an intern and maybe teach you some things, but like a full time job, I need you to have had, it can't just be you coming out of high school and now you tell me you want to come be my project manager. You ain't manage nothing. And you need the experience.
Don't get me wrong. Cause if people will say, well, how you get the experience? If nobody ever gives you a chance, and I agree with that [00:17:00] 100%, it has to start somewhere, but you also have to be willing to do the work. that to work to get what you want. Absolutely. And then you get into a soft girl. Then you have permission.
You have permission. It may not be as long as we had to wait. I feel like true. I'm not even fully in mind yet. I'm almost there. Like I got a toe. No, I got a whole foot. Maybe half of my body. I don't know. Um, cause I know how to live a life of luxury. Um, just, Can I always afford it? I gotta make sure that's right.
Okay. Well, that's a good segue to. This idea of what luxury is. Cause I think, I don't know about y'all, but like, I'm, I'm discovering some things in this era. I've, I've taught you a few things as well. Yeah, you have. God bless you. You're welcome. God bless you. Okay. [00:18:00] About just life being easier and, and that whole letting go process.
Yes. Right. And like. You know, putting things in order just to make your life easier because I grew up with a lot of the message that you got to do everything, all the things all the time. And that's what a strong independent woman is. You do all the things all the time by yourself, figure it out. Yeah.
Right. Um, whether indirectly or directly. And so being in a season where like, I'm ready to let go and finding ways to let go and delegating and finding resources and like, just, you know, It's a, it's a wonderful feeling when people are, Oh, you saw bougie, right? Like y'all and am and is, I mean, but if that's what you want to call it, because I want to live an easier life.
I mean, if you want to put that name on it. By all means go right ahead, but I am definitely less stressed because I fly first class because what's wrong with that? [00:19:00] Not not a damn thing as far as I'm concerned. It's like I like snacks Listen amazing. I like a meal over three hours. You best believe I'm in first class After, since flying first class, whenever I fly coach, I feel like a p y.
I know. You go back there and you're like, Wait, what am I doing? What am I doing back here with you peons? Like, why? Why have I lowered myself to such standards? Like, why would I do
this to myself? First class, one time. It's life changing, honey. It's really hard to go in the back anymore. It is. It really is. Like, I'll do it because I'm frugal, but right. Well, I mean, sometimes like we're going on the cruise and taking the kids. We're going up front here because, um, these kids, no first class, no time.
So, uh, no, uh, don't get me wrong. I ain't stupid. Yeah. You got to work again. We back to you got to work. Uh, [00:20:00] but when I'm usually by myself more than like nine times out of 10, I'm in first class. I Instacart groceries every week because A, it just saves me time. It's just, I don't like going into stores anymore.
I never liked it. I'm actually mad. I didn't create Instacart because I'd be rich right now because I remember going into grocery store. Like I wish someone would just deliver my groceries or have a drive up. I have a housekeeper. I mean, you know, the cleaners, they come and they clean my house every two weeks.
No, I don't clean my house. And that was a fight at first with my husband. But he gave in. Is the house clean? Does it matter how it got clean? It should be important here. Is it clean? Yes, it is. And I don't care what I got to do. That is the first thing on the budget. No, I agree. It is a budget line. It's a line item.
It is. [00:21:00] On mine too. You have to come clean. It is. But I think just being okay with that, you know, is a transition. It took a while. Yeah. So, so I've talked about my husband and you know, he was raised cleaning and cooking and his mama did a lot of that stuff. And, uh, so that's how he was expecting me to be.
Okay. So that's not who you married, honey. So listen, but that's, but that's a valuable perspective because I think particularly in. Homes where you have a single black mom raising the kids and sometimes in married families, too But in this, like, idea of, like, the mom is doing everything and all the things, like, you take that with you, like, very often, right, and those expectations end up bleeding into your relationship.
I think, though, that [00:22:00] Okay. Just let's go with just housekeepers. I'm not going to get on first class, but just housekeepers in general people. So if you are even lower middle class, I think that people have a misconception of housekeeping and like assuming that it's thousands of dollars to have. Somebody come clean your house.
Right. And so especially black women, right? Because we are taught, okay, you need to get up on Saturday and turn that music on and get your butt up and everybody is creeping and cleaning and mopping and washing and you're doing everything. You wiping down walls, you're doing the whole thing, right? That's normal in the end.
It's early. You can't even sleep in cause you got to get up cause the music on, like you about to get in trouble. We're taught that. But I can't say like, I don't think, and maybe it wasn't a thing back then, but if you, if you could have told my mother that there was somebody that could clean his house [00:23:00] for a very minimal price, I don't see her.
Taking that. But I think, especially in the black community, it is tab. It was taboo. Like that was a thing. Like it wasn't even no, cause I didn't know for a long time. And then this lady was like, well, yeah, like somebody comes to clean my house. I was like, Oh my gosh, I'm sure you pay a pretty penny. She was like, 25 an hour.
I pause like you said, what you say? Exactly. Wait, what you say? Because I got them coins. Let me, let me, I will not eat fast food for me to have a, like, what are we talking about? So you mean to tell me they going to come and clean my whole house for how much? And once I figured it out, I said, give me them people's number because this is, and now, and now, now, You child.
If she call off, I'll be like, Oh, exactly. My holidays was like, Oh, we're going to take a break. [00:24:00] Like girl, what? No, no, no. It's going to be like a month.
Somebody else. I was like, Oh, got a replacement. You skipped a week. I know this. Please come back literally and that's crazy because it's really not though That's some people out here charging crazy. But but and that's true. But to me, I mean like most of the time though You know, like you can ask around because there are people that now have that service now, but back in the day I didn't know nobody cleaning no house besides like Molly maids and I feel like First of all, I don't trust you.
And then that's a trust issue. That's another thing. Trust issues. We'd be sitting there like, uh, cause you might come in my house and see something that we, we about to have a problem. Are you going to tell something or take something or whatever? But now child, listen, come in my house, girl, come on and do tech.
Please [00:25:00] help me. Thank you, Jesus. Half time I'm at home anyway. So good luck. If you're going to try to say something, it ain't like they just coming in. And I ain't here. Like you, you come on in girl, right here. Okay. So I have a little bit of a different perspective. I enjoy cleaning my house. Oh, good for you.
And that's one thing that necessarily like wouldn't be a part of my soft girl area because it's my decompressor. Like I enjoy getting up on Saturday morning and putting on my gospel, putting on my hip hop and like just going to, it's my, my culture's guilt. Right. But my, but I'm thinking like, okay, so Because we're, we're, how can I say it?
So, growing up how we grew up, having to get up on Saturday mornings, clean the house, watch the baseballs, do all these things, right? Like, set a precedent. Like, I know how to clean my house if I have to. I have the option, but I'm not. Yes. I can call somebody in if I need to, but I know how to if I got to.
Are we taking that away from our kids? Well, Once they get [00:26:00] out into adult life, once they start getting into their own apartment, when they can't really afford. You know, to have somebody come clean to being it or, or. Whatever the situation might be, what are we depriving them of that skill? No, a little.
However, my clean people do not clean their rooms. Okay. Let's be clear. That is the only space in the house they do not clean. So they are responsible still. to at least clean their rooms. Uh, we have to do a better job at teaching them how to clean the bathroom and things. Um, I've taught them how to wash the dishes.
Um, but yeah, no, I totally get, I hear what you're saying because I need them to be prepared to go in the world because I will not be doing these things and I don't want you waiting on no woman to do it. So, remember, I have a, what's the, whatever GNAR that grew up in that space, right? Cause I, I got a cleaning lady somewhere [00:27:00] in the space where he was growing up.
And so, no, she did not do his room, but let me tell you what it does do. They think they supposed to hire somebody for everything like he's like, Oh, it's a person to do that. Like, I'm not about to do that. He was out in the yard and he was like, he was out there like cutting and stuff. And he was like, you know what?
This is why you hire people because this is not what you supposed to be doing. And so that. Now that is funny because he does now recognize that you don't have to work. I mean, yes, it's good to work, but you don't have to do this because there are other people that do this. You can delegate this service, pay somebody a little bit of money and go work while they doing it.
And then you're making money and you don't have to kill yourself after work, trying to take care of something. But he. Definitely is like, Oh yeah, there's people for this, which is hilarious to me because now you're in the, Oh, it's some, I'm, I gotta make, he, and he always, I gotta make enough money to make sure [00:28:00] that I can pay for people to do things.
I was about to say, is he like, now I gotta make enough money to get it. I'm not mad at that either. It's hilarious. Cause I understand that it's not free. It might be reasonable, but it's not free if there's a cost and if this is how you want to live your life, if you want the soft life. You gonna have to make at least enough money to be able to fund this off.
I'm not mad at that. Yep. At all. Wow. Never even thought about it like that. Okay, Tiff. So, well, uh, heard. So, if cleaning is not, is is not part of your soft girl season, then what is, what, what are the things for you? Um, I've definitely embraced Instacart. Okay. Yes, for sure. Um, I definitely am a door dasher, right?
I have, even though I love to cook, like cooking is also like one of my decompressors. Like I love cooking. but [00:29:00] sometimes it's just like, there's no time. Yes. Right. Yeah. So yeah, there's just no time for it. And I don't, I don't want to stay up all night doing things, but I, but so, so I do things like that when it works for me.
Right. Like, I mean, it's, it's crazy as it is, if you knew me, you would never guess, guess it, but I love being domestic. Like I, again, I am ready to jump in. I want to be a housewife when I grow up. Like, that was my goal when I was in my 20s. I'm like, okay, yeah, a psychologist. I swear to God, a psychologist.
But in real life, I want to be a housewife. I just want to be in my home. I want to clean. I want to cook. I want to take care of the children. I just want to be at the house. So, but that could have been soft girl though, like, I mean, because you're at home, so you're not working. I mean, you're working at home, but not working.
You know what I mean? Like you're doing things that you enjoy doing, which would make that make sense. Absolutely. I've also embraced, [00:30:00] um, massages a lot. Praise God. Um, just as a stress reliever, like, you know, going to the chiropractor is a thing. Um, you know, just the self care piece is definitely amped up in my forties for sure.
And I've gotten more comfortable with it, you know, being a line item and being something that I actually put attention to and pay money for, because it does me justice. It's a benefit. Yes. Very much so love love that so I love massages as well. I love a good yacht charter Um, just don't say where'd that come from?
It was just out there. We talking about first class not be on a yacht Goddamn. But you've been on the yacht with me multiple times. Let's not forget. How soon we forget.
Shit. You gotta check. They're not impossible, but just like what Harrison said [00:31:00] earlier. People think it costs a whole lot of money, which I'll get wrong. It ain't cheap, but it ain't millions of dollars, right? Like to charter a yacht. Like it's an app for that. Like it's an app for everything these days.
Listen, I'm just waiting on the private jet. Like call me. Now that's the, that's the one. That's the one. Well, I told you it is in my future. Won't even, that, I'm speaking into a new system. Can we just hop on a flight, okay? At the last minute and be like, you know what? Can we go somewhere this weekend and help out, like, please?
It's coming. I feel it in my spirit. The Lord is working. That's the one. Put that on the vision board. I need you. It is coming. Woo! Alright, we're gonna take a little turn. This is your chance to tap in, listeners. This is the segment of our show where we answer a question or address a dilemma from one of you.
If you would like to submit a question, please email us. At [00:32:00] tap in with tiffany@gmail.com. So this week we have a question from an anonymous listener question is, how or can empathy or resilience be taught? Well, y'all think we're talking about two separate things a little bit too. Empathy and resilience, right?
Are, are not necessarily. Yeah, those are very vastly different. So let's start with empathy. How or can empathy be taught? So empathy is, I feel with you, right? Sympathy is, I feel for you. Empathy is, I feel with you. Right. Right. And I think that's, I think empathy is shown. It's an action word. Yes, I don't know if I, I think I taught my children empathy through being empathetic.
Through my own actions with them and then watching them with others and explaining that behavior like, [00:33:00] no, this is what you should do, or this is how this, this is how that response should have gone. Don't be mean or just explain. I mean, cause you can feel the way that you feel, right? But at the same time, explain it.
Like, so how would you feel if this was, This person, like let's feel for this person a little bit because they're going through something that maybe you haven't experienced or just think about this for a second and kind of break it down a little bit so that they're able to understand what empathy looks like and maybe put it on them.
Like, what if it was you or what if it was me as the parent, like talking to my son or my daughter? What if, if this was happening to me, like, how would you feel about that? And, and then acting that out, um, other than, cause I mean, you can't just like book where it was, I mean, I can tell you what it is, but you will never even like as a five year old.[00:34:00]
You will never just grasp what I'm saying, but I can make it real for you so that you can understand it, but we would have to practice empathetic like gestures and things like that you to where you feel for other people. Um, you know, like you understand what that actually means and not to not to cause harm, so to speak.
Mhm. No, I agree. I don't think it's something that you can gain knowledge about in the book. I think it's something you have to experience. So surface level, like from a developmental perspective, we teach empathy and kids through like altruistic activities, right? You volunteer, do things for other people, you know, but I think that taps into more like sympathy and it helps them understand that like Okay.
I don't want to be in that position. You know what I mean? But to really have empathy and understand how somebody feels, I think it has to be a little bit closer to you. So I'm with you, Harrison. I feel like it comes a lot from [00:35:00] observation. Um, and it's more experiential than we probably give it credit to, um, to be able to like put yourself in somebody else's shoes is something that you have to get really close to that experience in some way.
Right. And to really be able to tap into that emotion and how it lands on them so that you can not just, not just say, okay, I'm glad that this is not me. Or, you know, if you you're a feed of the homeless, oh my God, thank goodness we're not in this situation and I feel bad for them. But to really understand.
What it feels like I think you got to get a little bit closer to it So can it be taught to go back to the question? Mm hmm to an extent I think to an extent. Yeah But I but I feel like it comes a lot from life experience, too Mm hmm. I think it can be Modeled right like you described person, right? This is how you care for other people.
Now, the way I learned it, they [00:36:00] encouraged us to use empathic, right? Instead of empathetic. Here's why the word pathetic is in there. And so for some reason, empathic, I guess it sounds better. So to be empathic, I mean, I feel like I have, even though people think that I'm probably not empathic because I can be a bitch sometimes.
But anywho, I am empathic. I feel like it was something I observed over time in the people I was around. You know, people gave back to the community. And I saw a lot of that. And so that's, that's a trait. I was like, Oh, I'm pretty sure I want to do that as I get older. And I'm trying to teach that in my children.
I'm seeing it here and there. Uh, so I think it can be model. I'm not sure it's something that you can be like, sit down [00:37:00] here. Now, I want you to be empathic today. Go. I know. I think it also takes a real dose of like vulnerability to be empathic, right? Like you have to want to understand. Definitely. And I think that comes out in the work that we do, right?
Like I'm sitting across from somebody. I have to really, you know, be mindful of. The effort that I put in into understanding how this person feels. So I have to be a little bit vulnerable. I have to be a little bit more open than I am just going through the world. If I want to be able to relate to them and understand how they feel from a very real perspective.
So what do you all think about resilience? Do you think that resilience can be taught? Yes. I'm a little flat out. Yes. Yeah. And so I'm gonna tell you, like, for example, right? Like if something, my kid fails, right? Like at a test [00:38:00] or something in life, I feel like I can have conversations with them about how you, you may fail here, but what do we learn here?
Right? Like, and then let's go back and try again. Like, I think that's a good, like, don't just be like, all right, I failed. That's it. Yeah. I'm down to get, to get back up on it is, is important, very important. It goes back to the push through. It's a process and everybody has one and everything has one. If you're going to learn something or be better, you are going to go through some type of process.
And I think resiliency comes in that space as well, because you learn something. You got up, you dusted yourself off and you move through, unfortunately, some people like children. Accidentally learn resiliency are or are just resilient because they honestly didn't have a choice. They, they kept breathing.
If that makes sense, [00:39:00] they kept breathing. They're still alive. They're still here, but they've gone through hell and you're still standing. Um, so can you teach it? Yes. But I also think some people. Are resilient without actually wanting to be that way. If that, uh, you know what I mean? Like if going through life and you have gone through so many things at your home or like death or like all types of things as a child, but you're still alive.
So. People would call that child resilient if they then began to succeed in school and did not fall to, you know, to the side, they continue to push forward and just said, I'm going to go to school. I'm going to graduate. I'm going to do this. They people would title that as resilient. But was that taught?
Right? It just came from the struggle, right? It was literally just a struggle and I'm still breathing. I'm still here. [00:40:00] And maybe somebody told him like you got to keep going or maybe they didn't. So I do think I like Darby. I think that's, I agree. Like I do think it as a nurturing parents are going to say, no, no, no.
We're going to keep pushing. You go, you go get up. You'll be fine. You'll be fine and watch. You'll get better. Practice. You've got to practice and you will fail. Failure is a part of learning is a part of life. And you, you know, kept, keep pushing them through. They'll learn resiliency one way or another, I suppose.
Well, this circles back to where we started this conversation, talking to Gen Xers and their lack of, or no, they're, they're embracing the soft air real early and real soon without having to go through things without having the ability to tolerate the discomfort. And the stress and what that does and if it's a if it's a benefit to you or not, but I think Um hairston, you're right.
It built [00:41:00] something in you and a part of that is resiliency like having to go through some stuff Yeah. Right. Like builds you up. It's a muscle. And if you don't have that, I'm not sure if it can be taught. Right. Well, and I think it's also, if you don't see it again, back to modeling, if you don't see other people being resilient.
So my biggest pet peeve in practice are victims. So a victim mentality, not the victim of. Like sexual assault or anything, right? Like you don't have to control that, but the victim of, I didn't, I'm gonna use this example because it was my life, right? I didn't have a father growing up. So I'll, you know, there's people who I didn't have a father.
And so they're stuck in that forever, right? They're like, I can't be successful because I don't have a father. I can't, I have daddy issues. Listen, honey, a lot of people who didn't have daddies or inconsistent daddies have them. I chose the other route and that motivated me, right? Like that was like, let's [00:42:00] go.
Okay. I'm gonna prove you wrong. Or maybe I was always seeking approval from him. So that got me to be like, I'm going to show you how good I am. And maybe you'll even, she'd be my dad. Watch me. I didn't necessarily learn that from my father. My mother, however, worked three jobs as a single mother and that woman's resiliency, like insanity never had a conversation, you know, right.
There wasn't, she wasn't like. Well, Tiff, you know, um, I'm resilient here. So, you know, this is me. Be resilient. I saw and was like, okay, I'm gonna go get it. Whatever it might be for me is what I'm gonna figure out. But I had to, there was a lot of bumps. Along the way and people Got You. Got it. That's what we're going back to our earlier conversation.
You gotta experience the bumps to really celebrate and get a housekeeper, . Mm-Hmm, . Absolutely. [00:43:00] Absolutely. Uh, yes. Uh, I mean, all of those things though. All of the things, making sure that you take care of self. It's funny when you say that though, because it's like you do go through the bumps and it's like, I.
I know what that feels like. So I know, like they say they want the soft era, but we actually, I know what soft is because I have gone through hard and so soft feels a little softer. Um, I'll say like that feels, it feels much more comfortable in my space only because it's been hard. So soft is softer, I'll say.
Yes, it all feels great now because yes, we have gone through hard. Amen. Ooh. So I think it, I think taught modeled all the things. Like I feel like people need, [00:44:00] you gotta go through some things to be somewhere, right? Like, cause if Jen, their exes, Ex. Ex, right. They gonna be mad at us. If Jen, ex, they are, they really are.
They'll bish. That's what I'm saying. She's old bish. It's fine. But let me tell you something, you, you gotta get old one day too boo. You gonna be here. And come on over here. You better hope. You as good as we are. So, because we worked hard, we're resilient and empathic. Here we are. I done been through some things,
I done been through some shit enough to give me credit to say all the things that I'm saying. Absolutely. And if you think about your PhD program, I, I brought that up earlier and we haven't really talked about it a whole lot, but. If you think about, you had to be beyond resilient, right? Tenacious, almost.
Yes. It wasn't that, you know, I hear people say, Oh, you're real smart because you've got a PhD. I'm smart, but it is, that is [00:45:00] not what it's about. Literally about resilience and tenacity. I agree. I didn't just show up here. My, my, my advisor used to say the stick to it iveness of it all. Okay. Yes. Like the idea that you don't move away from it because it's uncomfortable, because it shakes you and being able to push through.
Absolutely. That and income, because they also think you supposed to, you know, be done and make 30 an hour. That part. I'm like, baby. Baby, you haven't done anything. What are you doing? Well, they, they didn't, they didn't pay me for that. It's like, What did you do extra? I'm sorry, honey. I didn't, I don't. I done seen applications like, I want to start at, and we talking about community, mental health.
I want to start at 70. Where? Where, honey? Apparently, you [00:46:00] didn't know what you was signing up for. Nah, no one told you. I'm sorry. No, it should not be this hard. Don't get me wrong. We should make more money. I mean, we do fine now, but we also did the work to get here, but it just ain't the case. Unfortunately, you're not going to come out of grad school.
And there are many fields that do, you ain't starting at 70 and even as a MD, you ain't starting at 70. You know what I mean? Like So good luck. I think they thinking of BS in school, maybe who, where you don't have any hours of working. I mean, you don't have any hours at home, a free time. You listen, they're all going to be fine.
They're all going to be YouTubers and tick tockers, and they're going to be fine. But the weird part about being an influencer is. It takes just as much time. Yes. It's just that you're not realizing like you have so much content and so many things you are on [00:47:00] 24 seven. So it's like, I mean, they look at entrepreneurship or, you know, I'm going to start a business.
I don't think you know what it takes in real life to be those individuals. Like that's not. You don't post a couple of things and then go about your business. That is not how it works at all. But so the idea, and I think that social media, you know, blow up type, um, idea, it looks very great. Everything looks great on social media.
Unfortunately, that is not, that is a facade and it is not reality. So you may think that that's, what's going to happen. And I won't say it won't happen to one out of a million, but maybe it would. But like you might, and maybe you could be that million, but, um, let's just go with the other ones because just in case, right?
I don't know. Yeah. But it's still also work, right? Like those impulses had to get paid partnerships and like all those things that took time. It doesn't work for like, they didn't get that overnight. It may appear [00:48:00] that way. But that didn't happen. It's just weird. It's weird. It's like, oh, you thought you was going to put on that little outfit and then everything is just great and you modeling.
Oh, that's work. That takes a lot of hours. Yeah, absolutely. It's very interesting. But maybe, maybe this is their, um, their trajectory, right? Like to maybe this is how they learn their resilience by having all these like wonderful pipe dreams, you know, that look good on paper, that look good on social media and getting out there and trying it and figuring out how to handle.
When it doesn't work out the way that you expected because a lot of them have those short lived kind of Expectations of their future. Mm hmm. I got a couple, you know 28 30 year olds on my caseload that are coming into the realization of like oh shit like I thought I wanted to do it this way but like the life showed me That I got to pivot.
I got to do something [00:49:00] else. I got to figure out a different way to do it. So maybe this is their path. Didn't think of it that way. Maybe. But will they, and we're speaking in generalities. We apologize, Gen Xers. We love you. However, this is the life that we're in right now. I mean, I think I have one. I don't know how old they are.
Anyway, I think a lot of times they are given a lot of things, which here's why, right? Like usually, and I'm gonna speak for myself as a parent, Again, my mother was a single parent, so we didn't have a lot of money. We lived with other people, my grandparents, my aunt over time. And so now that I have worked hard and earned, not that I give, my kids are really good kids though.
I mean, I'm, I'm a little biased, but they are for the most part. So do they get a lot of things? Yes, they do sometimes things that they, I never would have saw at this age, but not because My mother didn't want to give it to me, she couldn't afford to. So [00:50:00] sometimes it just makes it a little harder cause we, we want to do better.
Every generation I think wants to do even better than the last one. That's I hope the hope, although I'm not seeing it right now. They keep talking about social security going to be gone by the time we can even get it. People ain't working. Go to work. I need y'all to go to work so we can build up social security.
Please help me. Help me. I have paid into it. Right. My whole life. People are benefiting. No, but I think that's valid. And I get it. Everybody want to be an entrepreneur. I get it. No, that's valid though. I think every generation doesn't want to do better. I was talking with somebody about how, um, you know, as kids, I didn't, we didn't vacation a lot as a family.
Me neither. I mean, we went to like our cousins in Chicago and like. You know, maybe somebody down south, you know what I mean? Like just to visit the family, but [00:51:00] like to vacation as a family. Like I didn't, I didn't, I don't know what that is. I didn't get on a plane until I was 17. You know what I mean? Like, but our kids are around the world, you know what I mean?
Like they trip it. Three. Yes. They on trips. My oldest was three when he got on the plane. They're on trips. Right. And I don't think that's necessarily spoiling them. I think it's the benefit of us doing better and being able to, yeah, of course it's a privilege, but being able to show our kids something different to see the world a little bit earlier.
Right. And as long as you're grateful about it, you're appreciative of it. Like I'm cool. Come on, let's go. It's that little flight. But then I also have to remind them, not everybody your age can do this, right? Like this is a privilege and I'm hoping that teaches them empathy. That, that would be more about empathy.
Right. Like. And so when we go do, because at their schools, they have to do service projects because, which I'm very thankful for, sort of, because it takes some time. But anyway, [00:52:00] um, they have to do service projects. And so a lot of times they're like, where did these people come from? Like, why don't they have food?
You know, they're doing, you know, in the kitchen or doing soup kitchens. Um, they're like, where do these people come from? Why do they have food? Like they just don't grasp that not everybody doesn't have food at their house or lights or a house. Right. For that matter. Right. All the things they don't have.
Like what? Kids didn't ride the bus. Like it was just because they didn't have to. I rode the bus the whole way, the whole time until I had a license. So it's like. They don't know anything about riding a bus. My son was a really like when my daughter was younger, I didn't have as much, but I would try to give her, I mean, she was a good kid, but he was as well.
And that's when I actually had the money to do it. And people used to be like, you just give him everything. And I'm like, we're at the store. He asked me for something random. He's he has AIDS. Like his room is clean. [00:53:00] Everything is fine. I don't know. Should I just say no, just on GP? Like, why do you, why do we say no in this space?
Or why do we like, should I say no? Is this a bad thing? Should he not have it? I don't know. So sure. He can have it. Not just, it was not because, uh, trying to, you know, spoil him more. So just because, and it's funny because now everybody say he is the spoiled, like he is so spoiled. He is so spoiled. I'm like, okay, well, whatever.
I don't know, but I think you got to, as long as you're tempering it with, you know, teaching, teaching your kids that empathy as much as you can and being grateful and being appreciative of it. Right. Don't just expect. No, correct. Right. Like, understand that. Yeah, I'm doing this for you because I want to do this for you.
And because I'm able to do this for you, but don't, don't just expect it off of GP, you know what I mean? Like nowhere it comes from and be appreciative of that too. Yeah, that makes sense. [00:54:00] All right. Tiff's another episode in the books. All right. So, well. We would like to thank you for tapping in with us.
Y'all again, if you would like to reach out to us, email us at tap in with Tiffany at gmail. com. Thank you for coming. And all of you have an absolutely wonderful week on purpose. Bye.