Whassup Y'all!! Welcome to the first episode of Tap in with Tiffany!! We are three black PhD therapists, all named Tiffany, discussing themes of mental health, wellness, and relationships.
In today's episode, we dive in to the topic of relationships, focusing on conflict resolution, communication, boundaries, and expectations. We break down the importance of self-awareness, clear communication, respect, and setting healthy boundaries in a relationship.
Tap in with us: tapinwithtiffany@gmail.com
.
.
.
Episode Chapters:
00:00 Introduction and Disclaimer
00:41 Meet the Therapists: Personal and Professional Backgrounds
01:22 The Importance of Individuality in Relationships
04:18 The Power of Friendship in Relationships
05:57 The Role of Therapy in Relationships
08:37 The Challenges and Rewards of Marriage
15:25 The Complexities of Dating in the Modern Age
22:10 The Impact of Unspoken Expectations in Relationships
27:15 The Importance of Conflict Resolution in Relationships
32:46 Divorce and Its Impact on Children
32:52 Personal Experiences with Divorce
33:44 The Role of Empathy in Conflict Resolution
34:17 The Impact of Parental Divorce on Personal Relationships
35:13 The Struggle of Conflict Resolution in Relationships
35:57 The Importance of Effective Communication in Relationships
37:05 The Challenge of Balancing Personal Traits in Relationships
37:53 The Role of Conflict Resolution Styles in Relationships
39:48 The Impact of Conflict on Relationships
40:54 The Struggle of Setting Boundaries in Relationships
47:12 The Importance of Effective Communication with Children
49:00 The Challenge of Managing Expectations in Relationships
52:15 The Role of Respect in Conflict Resolution
56:10 The Importance of Understanding and Meeting Expectations in Relationships
59:47 The Struggle of Balancing Personal and Relationship Expectations
01:02:39 Conclusion: The Importance of Open Communication and Understanding in Relationships
Darby (00:01.79)
All right, I guess we record it now.
Hurd (00:05.28)
Hey, hey, hey Tim.
Hairston (00:07.799)
Kater.
Hurd (00:08.934)
Darby (00:09.11)
Okay, we are here, we made it y'all. Okay.
Hurd (00:14.457)
Yes.
Hairston (00:15.125)
Ending ending
Darby (00:18.342)
So I'm I am Dr. Tiffany Darby. Welcome to Tap In with Tiffany where you will see all of us are named Tiffany. It's an amazing name. If you're not named Tiffany, it's okay. Alright, it's okay. It's not as good, you know, as Tiffany, but it's fine. So I'm Dr. Tiffany Darby. I am
Hurd (00:30.726)
That's a lovely name.
Darby (00:47.134)
a licensed professional counselor. So let me start with letting you all know that while we are all therapists, we are not y'all therapists, okay? Now our clients might be listening, but don't, this is a relaxed environment. Don't come in here. I mean, y'all already, our clients already know what y'all get when you get in session anyway. So welcome, but we are not all of your clients, okay? You're not all of our clients. And so we're not giving you...
which therapists don't give advice anyway, they shouldn't. But we are not here to provide any sort of service here. So don't come over for no mess. Don't try to sue us, go sue your mama. All right? Okay, thank you, welcome. All right. So I am Dr. Tiffany Darby. I am a licensed professional clinical counselor, also a professor. So I teach online, I teach master's level students who want to become counselors.
Hairston (01:35.696)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (01:44.654)
and I enjoy the work that I do thoroughly. I have been practicing now over 20 years. I know I look young. I like looking young, but for real, I got a lot of experience. So here to, and glad to be here. In my personal life, I am a wife of 16 years and a mother to a 15 year old. Yes, I was pregnant when I got married. I'm not here judging nobody. 15 year old son and a...
10 year old son. So we do a lot of sports in this house. It's a lot of balls in my house. Okay. In many, many aspects. All right. Yeah. So that's me. I'm happy to be here with my, technically really my sisters cause we are all members of an amazing sorority. The best sorority in the whole wide world. The only, you're correct. Doesn't seem like sorority incorporated. However.
Hurd (02:21.062)
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
Hurd (02:37.349)
Mm-hmm. The only, yes.
Darby (02:43.906)
They have nothing to do with what we're talking about today either. So we're going to make sure that's set aside as well. All right.
Hurd (02:50.042)
So don't call corporate, right? Don't call nationals, call your mama. Ha ha ha.
Darby (02:51.842)
Don't call them either. Call your mama. I already said call your mama. Don't call.
Hairston (02:52.489)
Hahaha!
Hairston (03:01.105)
hehe
Darby (03:04.255)
I'm good. That's it.
Hurd (03:05.278)
Well, I am Dr. Tiffany Monroe-Hird. I am also a clinician. I am a trained psychologist. I am an adjunct professor. I am a mom of three boys. One are birthed, two are stuck with me because their daddy couldn't help himself. So here we are. Blame your daddy.
Darby (03:27.432)
That's me.
Darby (03:32.599)
I'm sorry.
Hurd (03:34.47)
Primarily I am in private practice, which I thoroughly enjoy. And it definitely keeps me busy. And that's me.
Hairston (03:46.415)
and I am Dr. Tiffany Hairston. I am also a licensed professional counselor. I am also an addictions counselor and I am what else do I do all of the things but I am a professor as well teaching counselors to learn how to do what I do.
That's that. And then my personal life, I am also a mother of a son. He is the baby as well as I have a daughter and two grandchildren. I know, I know. Mind your business. Two granddaughters. But yeah, and I'm just, I'm here, you know? What's up?
Darby (04:24.106)
Oh, what a fault. You look good. Yeah.
Hurd (04:25.39)
We look good.
Darby (04:36.323)
Yeah, yes. So we all know each other, and it actually wasn't sorority related, but we all know each other from actually the field. So I think I'm the glue here. So I met Herd working at a residential treatment facility. And initially we didn't really, you know, we didn't dislike each other. We just were like, oh, hmm.
Hurd (04:36.493)
Mmm!
Hurd (04:58.226)
Mm-mm.
Darby (05:03.998)
Yes, that's a good word. She interviewed me, but it wasn't that reserved in your actions because I was like, what is this thing she is? My name Tiffany too, and I have a PhD. Okay.
Hurd (05:04.456)
I was suspicious. I was reserved in my thoughts, in my opinions. I did.
I'm sorry.
Hurd (05:21.375)
I have very high expectations of Tiffany's. And so I went into the interview with that thought, like she better come with it, you know? So, and she did, and did, you know, I was very impressed. And we have been really good friends ever since that day.
Darby (05:29.286)
And I came. You're welcome.
Darby (05:37.874)
Absolutely, absolutely, 100%. And then I met Harrison teaching. She still teaches there. I no longer teach at the university. But we were at the same online university. And then a lot of times, we will meet in person. And so I met her. I said, oh, we're almost together. We have this similar. I mean, our birthdays are in the same month. We have the same first night. Like, we are here. So.
We have kicked it on multiple occasions, even though we don't live in the same city. We have a good time. And so we also started during COVID, we did what was called Breakfast with Dr. Tiffany's. So the three of us did kind of a workshop, I would say, like online. It was about relationships, and we had about 30 women.
Hairston (06:08.151)
yep hahahaha ooh widow
Hurd (06:30.214)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (06:36.686)
come to this and did some breakout rooms, some togetherness, and it was a really good time. And so I think that has inspired us to kind of keep going. We hopefully one day we'll do some in-person podcast stuff and just bring some expertise to folks out here. So that's what we all are doing, right? Like we're therapists and people.
at the same time. So we don't want this podcast to be real serious. We'll talk about some serious topics. Don't get me wrong. At the same time, we want to, I don't know, have fun. We're not necessarily doing this to recruit clients, because I think all of us pretty full at this point. But we do want you to know that we are clearly educated and human beings at the same time. I tell my clients all the time, it's like, I got this PhD.
You gonna call me doctor. However, I'm blackity black, like real black. I've lived this whole black life. So here we are.
Hurd (07:46.275)
I think that's a mission that we all agree on, the idea of just, you know, bring in a little grounding to the field to make it more accessible. And I think that's changed over, you know, the last few years for sure. More Black people are in therapy, people are reaching out, people are getting their healing, you know, people are tapping in, which is a great thing. And I think the fact that there are more Black clinicians who do this work.
Hurd (08:12.434)
is making that process a little bit easier for people because they feel seen, they feel heard, they don't feel like they're going into a situation where they're not gonna be understood for who they are. I think that's wonderful. And we wanna continue that here.
Darby (08:16.078)
Thank you.
Darby (08:25.02)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (08:29.802)
Yeah, they have people who look like them, right? Like I hear a lot of times from my clients like, oh my God, I'm so glad I found you. Like I could not find anybody who looks like me. It just is for some clients, a lot of, especially black clients, because you know, we didn't grow up that like therapy. No, you go to the pastor, right? You talk to him about your problems. You don't talk to other people about him. But if we could see people that look like us doing this work, I don't know. I feel like it'd been a lot easier to go to.
Hurd (08:31.994)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (08:36.17)
Yes, absolutely.
Hurd (08:47.036)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (08:58.154)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (09:03.354)
Go green.
Darby (09:06.266)
All right, I think we can transition into something else.
Hurd (09:14.914)
Oh, Harrison, you might be on. We can't hear you.
Hairston (09:18.391)
Yeah, I was like, oh, I don't know how to, it's you know, just, you know, it's the day, it's the day. I promise I'm having issues today, okay? But yeah.
Darby (09:18.595)
Oh, she's singing.
Hurd (09:20.295)
Oh, she's back.
Darby (09:22.823)
Okay.
It's one of those days.
Hurd (09:26.554)
So all right, listen, we working through it. All right.
Hairston (09:31.859)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hurd (09:34.01)
So we want to talk a little about, we've told you a little bit about ourselves, our personal life, our families, to maybe kick off this conversation talking about partnership and the benefits and the risks and rewards. The risks and rewards of partnership.
Darby (09:46.39)
Mmm.
Darby (09:56.717)
There are.
Hurd (10:01.25)
because I think it deserves to be looked at from both angles if we're really going to be honest about what partnership and particularly what Black partnership looks like today.
Darby (10:01.302)
Mini, mini wrist.
Darby (10:08.478)
Yeah! Yes.
Darby (10:13.49)
Oof. Mm-hmm. So, I mean, I think it's important to talk about our own relationship status, right?
Hurd (10:19.603)
Um...
Mm-hmm. Yes. Sure. So.
Darby (10:25.313)
Um...
Hurd (10:28.614)
Yeah, I am a, I guess I'm still kind of a newlywed. I am one year in, in marriage. It has been fun, but this shit is wild. Like, in good ways, hard is given. We all know marriage is hard. That's what people tell you. They tell you that part. Yeah, no, they tell you that part.
Darby (10:29.067)
Go here.
Darby (10:35.374)
I'm going to go ahead and close the video.
Darby (10:41.338)
Mmm, wild. Oh, okay. I thought she was about to say hard, but you said wild. Okay. I like wild, actually. I prefer wild over hard, because hard doesn't say much. Yeah.
Hurd (10:57.902)
hard, don't say what they, but oh marriage is hard. You got to put the work in. Okay, thanks. Got it. But I think, I think wow describes it because there are, you know, wonderful, elating, like really cool moments. And there are also moments that will take you by surprise real quick that you just weren't ready for and don't have any preparation for. You really have to work through with your partner.
Darby (11:02.52)
Mm-hmm. What the hell does that even mean? Like, oh, and?
Hairston (11:08.962)
what does horror look like?
Hurd (11:29.247)
to be able to manage effectively. So I feel like, I feel like wild is a good description. It's a, it's a, yeah, it's an adventure for sure. But I'm enjoying it. I will say that I'm enjoying the adventure. I have a good partner and thankfully he, he has a good one too, so.
Darby (11:33.975)
I like it.
Darby (11:38.268)
Mm-hmm. Hmm. This is good.
Darby (11:46.66)
Of course it does.
Hurd (11:48.098)
hahahaha
Darby (11:50.09)
He's welcome. Yeah.
Hurd (11:54.215)
Mm-hmm.
Hairston (11:57.289)
Oh man, I have never been married. Long relationships, never been married. And that's hard too. So it can be very difficult. People always ask like, what's the difference between long relationships versus marriage with kids involved or not.
Darby (12:07.155)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (12:18.638)
Mm-hmm.
Hairston (12:19.951)
and you know what makes that different especially if you live in the same home with that person and you're committed but haven't gotten married for whatever reason that is it can be very interesting I guess I guess the thing is you can pick up and leave when you want to I suppose I don't know but then that's what I'm like but then I don't know so like
Darby (12:25.602)
Mm. Mm-hmm.
Darby (12:39.828)
Well, I bet some people think that it mirrors.
Hurd (12:45.723)
Hahaha!
Hairston (12:46.499)
because whose house is it and who and my address is here and it been here for five years. So you can't make, you know, all the things. And then the family separation because if you're still connected to that person and have been for some time, your families are still connected and all of that. So, yeah.
Darby (12:50.839)
I'm sorry.
Darby (13:10.234)
Well, I've been married 16 years by the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and laying prostrate on the altar. Also marriage therapy.
Hurd (13:15.588)
I'm out.
Hurd (13:23.712)
Yeah.
Darby (13:25.302)
Marriage is wild. That is a great way to describe it. My husband and I are friends, right? So I think that is what keeps us, not the only thing, but it keeps us grounded, right? That's the foundation. So people say like, what does that even mean? Like you're friends with your spouse. Like for real, we hang out, we have mutual.
Hurd (13:47.339)
We like each other.
Darby (13:51.33)
things in common, we spend time together, we spend time apart. I think it's really important to have your own stuff, shit. I travel, I go on girl trips, I travel to teach, I go to conferences, I do things that I was not doing 10 years ago. So let me preface that by saying that.
Hairston (14:06.319)
Hmm.
Darby (14:15.83)
Because initially I thought, right, I had to be up under him. Like, we got to be together all the time, because this is love. No, thank you. It's unhealthy, right? Let me just put that out there. It's an unhealthy thing. Like, you need your time. 1,000%. That is what keeps us beside the Lord, right? Number one.
Hurd (14:20.385)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (14:25.158)
I'm going to go ahead and close the video.
Hurd (14:29.805)
Mmm.
Hurd (14:35.596)
You're saying you have to have your own life. Mm-hmm.
Darby (14:45.478)
um keeps us here but these kids help right but also just developing into who i need to be as an individual while in this marriage also i'm just drinking some wine let me get this jesus juice yeah
Hurd (14:59.059)
That's valid. I think, what's the yoga? Ha ha ha.
Hairston (15:05.65)
Hahaha!
Hurd (15:08.086)
Is good water? Hey, okay.
But I think that's valid. I think people lose that sometimes when the marriage happens, right? It becomes this obligatory thing because we've made this commitment and we've got children and we've got assets and our lives are tied. Like we, I think it's very easy to stop liking each other for people.
Darby (15:23.699)
Absolutely.
Darby (15:28.364)
Mm-hmm.
What's this?
Darby (15:39.611)
Absolutely.
Hurd (15:43.29)
but I think it's important to keep it going for sure. Like if we can't kick it, if we can't, if you not my dog, then I don't know what to tell you. Like.
Darby (15:45.971)
Absolutely.
Darby (15:51.978)
I mean, I really feel like that's the only way that gets us through. Like I remember, I like him. Like I love him. Some days I don't like him, let's be clear. And it's some days he don't like me neither, okay? But again, when I say foundation, we really like each other most of the time. Like that brings us back. Cause some days y'all.
Hairston (15:52.629)
Right.
Hurd (15:58.243)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (16:01.593)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (16:06.379)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (16:20.954)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (16:22.835)
I'm gonna go with Tiff over the Harrison Seas. How do we say Tiff? We all Tiff. Harrison over there and be like, I could probably live in my house by myself and date you.
Hairston (16:38.423)
And day. And day, and day.
Hurd (16:41.966)
See, I don't know, I think I...
Darby (16:42.462)
How is the date? Okay, bye bye.
Hurd (16:45.526)
No, go ahead, go ahead, I understand.
Darby (16:47.818)
I was gonna ask her how to, is it pee in the pool? That's what they say out here.
Hairston (16:48.7)
Um...
Hairston (16:52.403)
from what I hear. Yeah, from what I hear, that's what it is as far as, no, I'm just not married. So, yeah, no, but from a lot of single, I mean, you know, it's a lot of single women, that's a great segue because you see so many people that are single and just,
Darby (16:54.124)
Okay.
Hurd (16:54.383)
Hehehehe
Darby (16:59.442)
Oh, you solid. You're not necessarily out here dating. Got you. Okay.
Darby (17:08.183)
Got you.
Hairston (17:22.471)
It's a lot of women that talk about loneliness or like they're just settling and trying to get they're trying to be with somebody This new fan, oh there's new fangled dating Like I don't know the expectations and you got to pay for this or I don't know all of the weird stuff like that Ho, don't take me to Cheesecake Factory Anyway, um
Darby (17:26.379)
And.
Darby (17:31.184)
Mm-hmm. Just not to be alone.
Darby (17:46.905)
Oh girl. Did you say factory is good? What the heck?
Hairston (17:51.091)
I would agree, I would take it. But just all of the things that go with the dates, the dating and the, you know, I'm looking for somebody and there's so many people just looking for somebody. So I think that's part of it and not really understanding who you are as a person and what you're looking for. It's so superficial. Like everybody is like looking for the next best thing or.
Hurd (17:52.389)
It's great.
Darby (17:52.654)
Yes.
Darby (18:04.826)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (18:08.214)
first.
Hurd (18:09.856)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (18:17.314)
Yeah, fast. Sweet.
Hairston (18:18.227)
It's like an Instagram life, like a social media type of dating thing, I guess, where, oh, well, you know what, so what is this, swipe left or right or I don't know, one of them, you know what I mean? That's how you're choosing your mate. Not to say that doesn't work because I do know plenty of people who have gotten married and are together from online dating, but just, oh, well, yep.
Darby (18:24.735)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (18:30.014)
Yeah.
Hurd (18:30.182)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (18:40.578)
Sure, oh yeah.
Hairston (18:45.471)
But just the general aspect of dating and trying to find someone, let's say after a certain age too, because that matters, right? After you have life experience and kids, yeah, so you've got kids and life experience and all of those things, and then you move into that space where people also have had those same experiences and are looking like, I don't know, because once you learn to live by yourself and you're chilling.
Darby (18:45.538)
Yeah
Hurd (18:45.606)
Mmm? Hehehehehehe
Hurd (18:54.967)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (18:55.282)
Oh, that we re- Let's let them know we in our 40s. Let's be clear.
Hurd (19:13.682)
Mm-hmm
Hairston (19:14.827)
You kind of like, I mean, OK, we're going to see. But don't disturb my peace, I suppose. I guess in our 40s, I mean, I know I'm looking for, like, can we just chill out? I ain't trying to argue and all of that other stuff. I mean, can we just, I'm looking for some joy in this space. That's about it.
Hurd (19:18.596)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (19:27.104)
Yeah.
Mm-mm.
Darby (19:34.421)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (19:35.594)
Yeah, I like that. I like that. I think social media gives people this impression that there's too many options. Like there's so many options.
Hairston (19:36.439)
Yeah. Um. That.
Darby (19:43.779)
Oh, uh, I'll tell y'all, sometimes I can't stay in social media because it's like this falsehood. Like, especially the younger generation, they got them thinking like, you're gonna do this overnight. No, you got to work hard. Like, you don't wake up in a relationship tomorrow and think it's good.
Hurd (19:48.09)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (19:55.647)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (19:59.482)
Mm-hmm. I agree. It's that instant. Instant gratification. Mm-hmm, and it's not instant. It takes a little work. It takes a little effort. For sure.
Darby (20:06.251)
everything.
Hairston (20:06.707)
and is not...
Darby (20:09.739)
microwaves.
Mm-hmm.
Hairston (20:14.523)
It does. Well, I mean, I think it takes effort, period, though, from the beginning to the end. You know what I mean? And like Darby said, you know, I was like, oh, I messed that up. But being friends, you know, like looking into the next relationship, you're going to have to be cool with the person prior to all of the other things because you're not going to like them. And I mean, then everybody comes with expectations. And so unspoken expectations are a huge problem.
Darby (20:20.192)
Absolutely.
Hurd (20:20.395)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (20:23.431)
Hahaha!
Hurd (20:24.124)
Hahaha.
Hurd (20:28.616)
Hehehehe
Darby (20:38.292)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (20:44.638)
Absolutely.
Hairston (20:44.675)
Because if I don't know, I mean, that's big for me, unspoken expectations. You are expecting something from me that you did not, we did not discuss. And now you mad at me. Yeah, no, but see in the dating, right. So in the dating space, that happens now. And people are like, oh, yeah, no, you too much for me. And now you move away instead of actually learning how to communicate effectively, because social media says swipe. Like, eh.
Hurd (20:44.902)
Sure.
Darby (20:54.174)
Yeah. And I don't even know.
Hurd (21:05.814)
Mm-hmm.
Hairston (21:11.931)
I don't, you, that made me feel some type of way. I'm a little comfortable, uncomfortable. And then we move on without having the conversation that says, you know, like you were expecting a role or you were expecting me to play this part. That we didn't actually talk about, nor did I agree that I wanted to do. Um, I mean, that's as simple as men take the garbage out. Like when you talk about that, I can't expect you to do that without that conversation, right? I mean, kind of, but not really. Right. Cause you might not have been raised to do that.
Hurd (21:13.254)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Darby (21:13.378)
Gotta go.
Darby (21:38.594)
Hehehe
Hurd (21:39.099)
Mm-hmm. Right.
Hairston (21:41.375)
I mean, you know what I mean? You might not have been, that might not be something that you know to do. I don't mean, I would hope, but you know, maybe not.
Hurd (21:50.302)
Mm-hmm, maybe not though. And especially like you said, when you're dating after a certain age, right? Cause once you get to a certain age, we are very comfortable in the people that we are. You know, I have lived my whole life like this. And so we're not in a space where we're growing together. This is who I am, right? And to, I think it's really necessary to be able to have those conversations about expectations. You know, what you...
Hairston (21:55.543)
Yes.
Darby (22:01.14)
Absolutely.
Hairston (22:02.106)
Yes.
Darby (22:08.519)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (22:18.162)
expect from the other person, what you bring to the table, you know, all of that.
Darby (22:21.463)
Mm-hmm.
Unless we care, expectations grow and change with us too, right? Like there's not a finite, here's what I expect today, and now we're going for 20 years, here it is. But because people start out one way and they're like, oh my gosh, you've changed. Well, you should have too. Like, why are we not changing together? And we might not, and sometimes that means we grow apart, right? Like that maybe we not together no more.
Hurd (22:28.506)
Sure.
Sure.
Hurd (22:44.312)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (22:47.582)
Mm-hmm. We gotta communicate.
Darby (22:56.278)
that shouldn't be the go-to, right? Like sometimes you just gotta work with that person. They gotta work with you. But having some, those unspoken expectations, Harrison, that's the hard part. Because you think, I can't express how I think or feel because that person may, I don't know, not like it. They may leave me. But then you move in through life, either with resentment or...
Hurd (23:06.49)
That is me.
Hurd (23:19.28)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (23:25.426)
in some way that the other person doesn't even understand because you ain't said nothing. Doesn't really help anybody. It's hard. Then you got, you know, it's physical shit they come up like as you get older these ailments. Listen, these 40s.
Hurd (23:31.405)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (23:35.498)
It is art.
Hurd (23:46.206)
Oh yes. We were just talking about that. The back pain, honey.
Darby (23:54.646)
This knee lockup, like, I'm trying to get up. His knee hurt, his back hurt. Like, we got to figure it out. But doing it together, I think, for me, works mostly right. Like I said, it's time for I want to go out here and live another life. And sometimes I see why some of them daddies walked away and went to the store and got cigarettes and that kind of thing.
Hurd (24:05.773)
Yeah.
Hurd (24:13.247)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (24:19.211)
Mm-hmm.
Hairston (24:24.4)
Ha ha
Hurd (24:26.071)
Get a pack of coolz and they never came back. Listen.
Darby (24:28.769)
Four mamas, let me be clear, it wasn't just daddies, it was the mamas who did it too. It just was, you know, not as common. So.
Hurd (24:34.634)
Oh, yeah. Well, I think that goes back to the point you made in the beginning, this idea of like, I have, we have to have a foundation of a friendship, right? Because there's gonna be a lot of ebbs and flows. There's gonna be, you know, ups and downs, expectations are gonna change, looks are gonna change, physical capacity is gonna change, all that. So there has to be some constant that keeps it going, that we can refer back to.
Darby (24:44.127)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (24:58.89)
Yes.
Hurd (25:02.85)
you know, that holds us through all of the adjustments, right?
Darby (25:08.256)
Yeah. Oh. And sometimes you forget it, right? Like, so if you don't have it and you get far away from it, it ain't no coming back. Because it's coming back, too.
Hurd (25:10.914)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (25:17.674)
Right. Yeah. Sometimes it can get lost. And that's where hopefully therapy comes in. To really, at least to give it a shot to, you know, take away the, or to bring back the perspective of why you started this, right? And what's going to keep it going kind of thing too. So, yeah.
Darby (25:26.526)
Yes, at least try it, right?
Hairston (25:27.882)
Right.
Darby (25:37.582)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, and I they just who was that was GZ uh having that interview with Nia Long, right? So on there he talked about they went to therapy, right? But I don't know. I think they had Maybe their own set of traumas still I don't know these people clearly. Okay. Let's let me preface that but after you know, listening to the interview which
Hurd (25:48.258)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (26:04.758)
Wasn't necessarily groundbreaking, I don't think necessarily, but I feel like there were some nuggets dropped around. They went to therapy, they tried to work on some things. He still had his own set of things. I'm not sure he ever went to therapy prior, right? Cause he was, he had some abuse, sexual abuse that happened that he talked about, right? Like, so then you're bringing that into a relationship on top of that, that hasn't necessarily been dealt with.
Hurd (26:08.163)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (26:24.838)
Hmm
Hurd (26:31.13)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (26:33.674)
So now what we doing? Cause if you ain't there with your shit and I ain't there with my shit and we got shit together, it's a lot of shit.
Hurd (26:36.151)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hurd (26:44.522)
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. No, I think that's valid though. I think, you know, even, you know, tied into this conversation about like when you are dating and getting together as adults or even growing together, like you have to be able to put your stuff on the table and really have self awareness of what you bring to relationships, right? Like how I think we talked about this in our workshop, the idea that
Darby (27:02.301)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (27:14.282)
your childhood and your parents' relationship, whatever it looks like, is going to come out. It is going to play out in your own intimate relationships at some point, right? Even if somebody wasn't around, even that fact, it's gonna come out. And if you don't have the self-awareness and insight to be able to understand how that's affected you as a person and you think you bring it into a relationship, we got a problem. We're going to have a problem.
Darby (27:17.998)
Oof. Mm-hmm. 100%.
Hairston (27:20.85)
Oh, for sore.
Darby (27:23.766)
Yep.
Darby (27:37.187)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Hairston (27:41.099)
Alright. Yep.
Darby (27:45.934)
I tell my clients who, because I see couples, right? So, and they have children, which it's a whole nother. We can't do a whole hour on it. Did you have a PST, no, PTSD reaction right there? Who have children and they have conflicts, right? And then I hear like, oh, why don't wanna argue in front of the children?
Hurd (27:50.723)
Oh.
Hurd (27:54.243)
Huh?
Hairston (27:56.438)
Hahaha!
Hurd (28:02.77)
Oh!
Hurd (28:12.1)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (28:15.818)
Why not? How do they see how to resolve conflicts if they've never seen conflict? It's the how. 100%. Absolutely. How? OK, I'm not bad.
Hurd (28:17.43)
Oh no, I agree. But it's about, it's about how.
Hurd (28:27.106)
Mm-hmm. I agree with that. I've got I Completely agree. I've had I've had couples who told me oh we you know Even they grew up in spaces where their parents never argued I'm like don't broadcast that like that's a good thing because that's false If your parents never argued you think they never disagreed and again You never got taught how to deal with conflict when it does happen in your real life. You have no idea What to do with it? So I agree you have to be able to show the work through
Darby (28:39.895)
Mm-mm. No.
Hairston (28:48.109)
Yes.
Darby (28:53.14)
Absolutely.
Hurd (28:56.226)
You know what I mean? That's the work, right? That it's not always peaches. It's not always sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes it gets tough and that's okay because that's expected as with any relationship, friendship, intimacy, you know what I mean? All of it. To be able to work through the stuff is a part of it. But you have to be vulnerable enough to show that. And I think people who don't ever, oh, people who don't ever argue are weird. Y'all weird. Because there's, y'all weird.
Darby (28:56.975)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Darby (29:10.018)
Mm-hmm.
Yes.
Ooh, vulnerability.
Darby (29:21.81)
agree. You hear people, oh my god, we never argue. What?
Hurd (29:27.002)
I said it with a real harsh tone of judgment, with all of the judgment in my body, y'all weird. Because there's no way, if you're not arguing, you are walking on eggshells, you're not being honest with yourself, you're not being vulnerable, there is something that you are not addressing. Because to agree with a person 100% of the time is unreasonable. There's no way.
Darby (29:28.046)
Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe
Hairston (29:28.066)
Hehehehehehe
Darby (29:37.13)
Yep.
Darby (29:43.703)
Yeah.
Darby (29:47.79)
All the time, all the time.
Hairston (29:51.059)
I think, well, let's define argue because some people will say argument means like we're fighting versus a disagreement and a discussion because I can disagree with you and have a discussion. I'll say in the relationship with my son's father, I would say we didn't argue because to me, argument means elevated yelling, raising voices.
Darby (29:55.141)
Good boy.
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (30:00.07)
Mm-hmm. Fair.
Darby (30:12.287)
Hmm
Darby (30:16.534)
Mm-hmm.
Hairston (30:18.175)
screaming and hollering at each other to me that means argue right whereas I had a disagreement with you and we about to sit down and Have this conversation, but we don't talk at a normal Conversation level like no I would not you don't have to raise your voice to me I'm grown just like you are and so and if you don't want me to raise my voice at you I won't raise my voice. You know what I mean? We don't respect that
Hurd (30:19.479)
No, no.
Darby (30:21.687)
Mm.
Hurd (30:22.051)
Yeah.
Darby (30:34.156)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (30:34.266)
Fair.
Hurd (30:39.62)
Mm-hmm.
Hairston (30:40.587)
and respect those boundaries and all of those things. But we gonna have this conversation because I disagree with something that you're doing or you mad at me and that's fine too. And we're going to try to figure out the pieces and parts that are causing this particular issue. So I think it's important to define that word because in my head when you say argue, you mean fight. And
Darby (30:49.842)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (30:58.971)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (30:59.151)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (31:05.474)
Mm.
Hairston (31:06.543)
not fist fight, but like we all, we, it could, exactly. It's, it's a very aggressive conversation when it doesn't necessarily have to be, because I can disagree with you and come to an agreement. We can, you know, figure this out and figure out who's going to do what and then move forward and then bring it back. Because if we didn't fix it, I'm, we're going to have, we're going to have to bring this back. This conversation is going to come back because you, you agreed to do this.
Hurd (31:07.75)
Mm-hmm. It's aggressive.
Darby (31:08.33)
Well, that happened.
Hurd (31:13.402)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (31:21.398)
Well, that's healthy. Mm-hmm.
Hurd (31:30.904)
Mm-hmm.
Hairston (31:35.127)
And I agreed to do this and somebody didn't hold up their end of the bargain. But I don't have to scream at you because if you start screaming at me, I'm not going to get it anyway, because I, now I didn't shut all the way down because who, first of all, who are you talking to? Like who are you talking to? So, so, so that's the issue because your, your defense is going immediately raise up like now I'm about, I'm ready, like we bought the swing or like, what are we doing because you're yelling at me and, and I don't really appreciate.
Darby (31:45.552)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Who you talking to?
Hurd (31:49.155)
Ha ha!
Hurd (31:56.847)
Yeah.
Darby (32:00.41)
I'm sorry.
Hurd (32:00.888)
Yeah.
Hairston (32:04.491)
your tone and your voice, right? So I think that's an important thing to talk about, or at least mention.
Hurd (32:09.676)
Yeah, that's a fair distinction. That is a fair distinction for sure. For sure, there's a difference.
Darby (32:10.198)
No, I agree. I agree. And where did y'all learn how to conflict resolution, right? Like resolve conflict. I said that weird. Cause I'm gonna tell you what I saw, right? Like my grandparents argue like cats and dogs. Like bitch, this and motherfucker that. Like I'll get my gun and blah, blah. And then one hour later she was cooking him dinner.
Hairston (32:21.964)
I didn't.
Hurd (32:28.826)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (32:35.582)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (32:39.058)
and was serving into him in his chair. So I was a little confused about how this works. I don't even know how to resolve. So when I got in relationships, and my first full relationship, there was no real, I mean, we disagreed about things, but he was very respectful. So there was no like, bitch, nobody's ever called me a bitch until later in life. And I was like, what? I don't understand why you're calling me this. Back to that.
Hurd (32:39.206)
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
Hurd (33:07.147)
Who you talking to?
Darby (33:09.426)
Um, so I never knew it. My mother wasn't married. She dated, but there was no, like, I didn't see how a man and a woman is supposed to, or any partner, right? Like resolve conflict. So now I'm a counselor, right? And now I'm in a relationship and I'm according to them. I'm, I am therapy. No, I just, this is healthy. This way healthy conversations look like. How about y'all? I don't know.
Hurd (33:23.435)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (33:30.958)
Mm-hmm.
Hairston (33:31.689)
Oh gosh.
Hurd (33:37.478)
Ahem.
Darby (33:38.742)
Did you see it?
Hurd (33:41.598)
No, I didn't see, so I was the house who didn't see much of the disagreements even in my parents. So I got the, because I think that's what a lot of parents, a lot of our parents, at least in our generation, thought was right. Like we have to keep it away from the children, right? Like that was their version of healthy, which isn't necessarily wrong, but you only know what you know.
Hairston (33:41.727)
No, I didn't.
Darby (33:42.616)
Yeah.
Darby (33:51.734)
Hmm... Oh, okay.
Hairston (33:51.819)
Right. That. Right.
Darby (34:00.022)
Yes, black folks. Yes. Yeah.
Darby (34:10.731)
No, no, it's a different way to do it. Yeah.
Hurd (34:14.03)
Yeah, so I didn't really see my parent. I know they just, I mean, they got divorced. So I know there was some disagreements that had to happen that I wasn't privy to. Right, but that's really how, listen, that's really how it was. Like my mother came to me one day, my parents divorced when I was about 11 and she was like, yeah, so me and your dad getting divorced. And I'm like, hmm.
Darby (34:25.099)
They would argue that one day, oh, we're divorced now. They never argue.
Hurd (34:42.946)
I think I had seen them maybe argue once before that. And I was like, wow, it was that bad. And so I took that to mean that, okay, so it must be my fault. Cause like y'all, I don't see the battle between you two every day. So it's gotta be something with me, typical kid, 11 year old stuff. So to get back to your question, I never really saw the resolution part. I kind of had to figure that out on my own.
Hairston (34:56.312)
Right.
Darby (34:57.134)
Hmm.
Darby (35:06.922)
Okay.
Hurd (35:09.786)
So I take that even now into my relationship with mostly responding to the person that I'm with, right? And so really trying to, because I'm a therapist and because I feel like I'm more of an empath and I'm pretty insightful, I tend to take the situation, I have to read you and I have to figure out how to communicate with you effectively.
Darby (35:10.029)
Mm.
Darby (35:20.002)
Hmm say more what would that be?
Darby (35:29.582)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (35:34.455)
Mm.
Darby (35:40.546)
Hmm. Mm-hmm.
Hurd (35:41.07)
Right? So my conflict resolution stems from who I'm talking to and who I'm dealing with. Right? Right.
Darby (35:46.121)
Okay.
Hairston (35:48.112)
Yes.
Darby (35:48.99)
Yeah, how you show up in that conversation. Okay, got you.
Hairston (35:53.644)
Yes.
I would agree. My parents, well, my mother and father divorced when I was young. Like I said, I don't actually remember. I don't know. But my stepfather and my mother, I do remember. But again, like you said, I'm sure they argued or something. I don't know. But not enough where I was very privy to that conversation. Like my mom would later tell me stuff like, and then he did it. Like she would be talking to me like I was her therapist. But as far as yes.
Hurd (36:21.322)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (36:23.19)
Yeah, before you were a therapist.
Hairston (36:26.855)
But as far as them having that conversation, I don't really recall that too much until the end, like when all hell broke loose. Then I was like, oh, y'all tearing stuff up. But then they would do it like when I wasn't home, right? Like I would come home like, what just happened here? Because it was very palpable, but I didn't actually know what happened nor did I know how to resolve the conflict.
Darby (36:32.972)
Mm.
Darby (36:38.158)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (36:40.98)
Heheheheheheheheheheheheh!
Darby (36:41.832)
Hehehehe
Hairston (36:54.367)
So moving into things, I was very much so, okay, well, what do I need to do to fix it? Because homeostasis or balance was very important to me. So I was like, so, like, how do I fix this? And I'm a major fixer. So it's like, so do I need to maneuver myself in order to make this?
Darby (37:01.646)
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Darby (37:05.923)
What do I need to do to fix it?
Darby (37:12.29)
same.
Hairston (37:18.107)
Okay, because I don't I don't want to be uncomfortable. I like being comfortable. I don't really understand Oh, well, we just gonna walk around so and but it does the matter who it is too Because some you know, like in an office setting or something I'm coming right to you because we're not I'm not going to be in this uneasy space for a long time So well, let's talk about this Let's have a conversation and figure out what the issue is and how do we resolve it once again fixing something but as far as like just
Darby (37:19.191)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (37:22.58)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (37:23.826)
Yeah, same.
Darby (37:29.131)
Mm.
Hurd (37:34.04)
Mm-hmm.
Hairston (37:47.819)
like with your mate? Yeah, no, I just knew it was invisible. So somehow, I knew you weren't supposed to be loud apparently because y'all wasn't loud. So maybe I'm supposed to whisper. I don't know. Do it when y'all not hit one of the keys. I don't know actually, no. So just learning how to have a conversation. But we were also friends. So that was like, okay, what you doing? What's going on?
Hurd (37:58.676)
Mm-hmm. All right.
Hairston (38:15.495)
So that was a thing. And then when you, but then what also matters is your partner's conflict resolution style. Because I could be all like, okay, well, let's talk about it. And they could be like your grandparents and be screaming at how I learned about, they gonna go get you. And so when you like, well, let's talk about it. And they like, I'm getting my gun. You sitting there like.
Darby (38:25.238)
that part.
Hurd (38:25.279)
Mm-hmm, absolutely.
Darby (38:30.762)
I'm ready.
Hurd (38:33.914)
Yeah.
Darby (38:33.947)
Yep. Back.
Hurd (38:41.001)
Hahahaha
Darby (38:41.586)
Listen, so early, early in my marriage, listen to me, earlier in the...
Hairston (38:43.039)
So, so, so do I need to go purchase a gun? Because what are we talking about? I need to elevate my conflict resolution? Ha ha!
Hurd (38:54.406)
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Darby (38:54.842)
even know it but then the fix it part of me or the I don't like all that is like I don't no thanks I don't want no parts of that the early part of my marriage was a lot of that no thank you and I'm not that's not who I am I am and I think it's because I've experienced like right like that's how I grew up I knew I didn't want no parts of that like I'm running the whole other direction but his conflict resolution was like
Hairston (39:00.204)
Yes!
Hurd (39:04.162)
Yes, they are. Yeah.
I retreat from that.
Hairston (39:14.612)
Right.
Darby (39:23.322)
Nuck if you buck. Like, let's go.
Hurd (39:24.218)
Bah!
Hairston (39:26.015)
Yes. And that matters though. Cause then, but how long do you let that happen before you know, like, okay, so, so how many times you going to do this before I turn now on you making me be somebody that I'm, I'm you're, I'm out of character. Yes. I'm allowing you to, to push me into someone that I'm actually not, but I can take, I can be that person. I just don't really enjoy being in that space.
Darby (39:33.162)
Well, yeah, oh, we went there. I'm allowing you. Yeah.
Hurd (39:33.184)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (39:48.606)
And I don't want to be. Absolutely. Nope, nope. Why?
Hairston (39:54.431)
And why would you want me to be only because that's how, but that's also looking. I mean, the counselor in me is like, okay, so I get it. You, this is, this is what you know. So we're going to either have to teach you something different because I don't, I don't know how to, but then you have to be willing to learn and excuse my dog. Cause she really mad that she, um, and she about to really be making noise just cause I'm talking. Um, but, um, that, you know what I mean?
Darby (40:04.298)
Yep, different.
Hurd (40:06.493)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (40:10.678)
that part.
Darby (40:16.099)
Thank you.
Hurd (40:17.679)
Mm-hmm. But yeah, you're right, you have to educate.
Hairston (40:20.439)
But then do they want to be educated though? Because in that moment, you ain't really trying to hear what I'm saying. You, and then you think I'm trying to be a counselor when I'm actually just trying to communicate effectively because what you're doing and what you're giving me, I don't hear you because you got me ready to fight and I don't, I don't hear what you're saying. Like we're next, whatever you wanted me to do, it's never going to get done because I can't hear you in that space.
Darby (40:22.858)
Some of them don't, and he did not.
Darby (40:28.702)
Yep. Yes.
Yeah. Nope. Yeah.
Darby (40:42.71)
Nope. It's your delivery, sir. No, thank you. Yep.
Hurd (40:43.61)
Mm-hmm.
Hairston (40:46.675)
I'm, because you have me on defense. It's, this is not a, this is not a conversation. I'm defending myself at this point.
Hurd (40:49.391)
Yeah.
Darby (40:52.922)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Hurd (40:55.218)
Mm-hmm. No, I agree. I think there has to be some meeting of the minds at some point, right? If that's the dynamic. Cause you know, for me, I'm a Libra. Like I'm either really hot or really cold. And if you, if you want to take me there, you're not going to like her. Enjoy the quiet, calm, talking through, empathetic, you know, side that you're getting. Because once you take me out of my character of where I want to be and make me uncomfortable,
Darby (41:11.473)
Hehehehehe
Hurd (41:25.134)
Like you said, I'm defending myself at that point. And then it goes awry. Then we're potentially boxing, not literally, but figuratively. You know what I mean? We're both fighting for our lives. And sometimes, not necessarily with me, but we talked about, that's when the boxing starts happening. You know what I mean? And we talk about domestic violence and how prominent it is lately. It's been all over the place. I think it stems from this idea of,
Hairston (41:28.141)
Right.
Darby (41:35.358)
No. Well, yeah.
Yeah, literally. Some people. Yes.
Hairston (41:42.721)
Hahaha!
Hairston (41:48.109)
Right.
Darby (41:52.296)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (41:54.786)
you know, different expectations, like we were talking about earlier, but also just different communication styles. The conflict resolution, the math ain't mathin'. It's not making sense. So we end up going to this really primal place of, you know, in most situations, men exude their authority and their power, you know, with physical presence, with intimidation. Now we got a problem.
Darby (42:05.942)
Maybe.
Darby (42:17.358)
Mm-hmm. Physical. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, and I was saying earlier, the first time I got married, we spent a lot of time back and forth. And I'm never, I was never the rah-rah chick, right? Like that's just not who I am. I mean, my mouth is rah-rah. Don't get me wrong. Like I will hold my own. Like it was between counselor and lawyer.
Hairston (42:21.819)
All right.
Hairston (42:25.195)
Exactly.
Hurd (42:25.39)
Mmm.
Hurd (42:32.678)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (42:42.698)
Right? Like when I was trying to figure out school, like, don't get me wrong. But in my relationships, no, thank you. Like, I'm not, I'm not here for that. I want to be respected. I want to respect you. I don't understand why we got to call each other our names. Like, but when you get with a mate and that's what they're used to, because, hey, that's what they saw. Right. Or they hood, because mine is a hood nigga. Right? Like I, I went to Catholic school. Like.
Hurd (42:43.128)
Hehehehehehe
Hairston (42:45.835)
Right, oh, yeah, it's mine too.
Hurd (42:51.194)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (43:02.66)
Mm-hmm.
Hairston (43:03.61)
Right.
Hurd (43:10.06)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Darby (43:10.666)
I grew up in the hood, don't get me wrong. I wasn't born with no silver spoon in my mouth at the same time. Why are you yelling at cousin like this? We don't agree on it. It's okay. What the hell? And so I spent a lot of time like.
Hairston (43:12.49)
Ha ha ha!
Hurd (43:16.014)
Wait.
Hurd (43:19.662)
Yeah.
Hairston (43:20.779)
Right, right, right. Like, what's the problem? Right.
Hurd (43:25.33)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah.
Darby (43:31.546)
letting him do what he was doing, like yell and scream all you want. Okay, I'm still here. Like I'm still sitting here. Like I'm not about to match your energy. It doesn't really help anybody until one day I did. And you know, it just, it wasn't fun to say the least. We have had some drag out. It wasn't no, you know, it was mutual. I'm not proud of it, but it is what it is.
Hurd (43:37.109)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (43:46.444)
Mm-hmm.
Hairston (43:46.67)
Mm-mm.
Hurd (43:58.999)
She said it was mutual.
Hairston (44:00.906)
Ha ha!
Darby (44:02.398)
So and we had to work through those things. So a lot.
Hurd (44:04.663)
Yeah.
Hurd (44:08.902)
Mm-hmm. But I feel like when that happens in most relationships, that's a turning point, right? If it get, yeah, once it gets to that space where if it's not what we're used to, you know, from the beginning and something physical happens, it's a turning point. Cause either it's about to go downhill real fast or we recognize that things have gone too far and something needs to change. And we have to fix this because this isn't where we wanna be.
Darby (44:16.126)
Agree. Oh, it was. We separated.
Darby (44:22.327)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (44:27.296)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (44:34.474)
Yeah. Mm hmm. Well, I think he just was used to hood rats. And you know, like I told you, he's a hood nigger and I'm not a hood rat. Like I just, I guess what you need, you need her to like, ride, ride with you. And that's not who I am. And
Hurd (44:43.563)
I, yeah, I know that life. I know that life.
Hurd (44:53.934)
Well, because I think there's a difference between like wanting that as far as a community, cause you really don't want a hood, right? You got a PhD in your house. You know damn well, I ain't no hood, right? You got to, you know what I mean? Like, so there's a, you shouldn't, there's no way that you really feel like you got a complete hood right in your house. So it's really about that communication piece, right? And somebody needing you to go rah and needing you to come back with the matched aggression.
Darby (45:04.222)
I mean, you shouldn't, but...
Darby (45:14.521)
Hahaha
Hairston (45:18.071)
Right.
Darby (45:18.186)
that all blow down to that.
Hurd (45:23.974)
and that being a show of how much you're invested or how much you care and trying to really unwind that narrative.
Darby (45:24.117)
and
Darby (45:29.771)
Yeah.
Yeah, it is. It was. Yeah.
Hairston (45:32.571)
It's exhausting. That's an exhausting conversation. Like, what are we hollering for? You got me hollering. I'm hollering just so you can hear me because you hollering. Like, what? So but then I'm tired. Like, I don't. So now I'm just about to be quiet and you're just going to be hollering at yourself. Because I'm. Yes, right. But like, let's use our let's whisper because like.
Hurd (45:34.111)
It is.
Hurd (45:39.289)
Hahaha
Hurd (45:42.893)
Right.
Darby (45:45.927)
Yeah.
That part. And then now you, now he even more mad cause she went, stupid psycho. Ha ha ha.
Hairston (45:57.627)
Can you argue and whisper? That would be very interesting. Try it. Try it and see how that works.
Hurd (45:59.654)
Mm-hmm. That's a technique I use with my clients to when you all are disagreeing, like bring it down to, first of all, it really highlights your tone and it really makes you pay attention, right? To like how loud you usually are, but it also takes the seriousness out of it because I dare you to try to have an argument or a disagreement, a full on.
Hairston (46:06.066)
I guess. Whisper.
Darby (46:07.52)
Mm-hmm. Yes. Yeah.
Darby (46:14.858)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Hairston (46:15.29)
Mm-hmm.
Hairston (46:19.055)
Mm-hmm.
Hairston (46:24.259)
Have you ever tried to have an attitude, like a tone, and you're whispering though? Oh, you like.
Darby (46:26.506)
yelling like that the whole time or whispering.
Hurd (46:31.51)
Give it a shot. Yeah, like you want some bullshit.
Darby (46:34.794)
Right. It sounds silly and so does yelling. Dummy. It's the same way.
Hairston (46:38.107)
All right, exactly. Exactly.
Hurd (46:39.118)
You want some real bullshit. Mm-hmm, it really highlights the difference, I agree. I agree.
Darby (46:45.266)
or even just taking a break. So I remember early on, you know, because I'm the fixer, I'm trying to fix it, right? Like we having a disagreement and now I wanna, I wanna fix, he don't wanna talk, right? Like he's quiet and he don't wanna talk to me. And I'm like, oh no, we talking now. And I'm following him room to room. And later on in marriage counseling, he just like, I need a break. I didn't say I didn't wanna talk about it ever.
Hurd (46:52.427)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (46:56.602)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (47:03.214)
Yes.
Hurd (47:11.322)
Anyway...
Darby (47:13.014)
just give me a break. So I had to pull back and be like, all right, so what's a fair amount of time, all right? Cause what I don't want to do is it to go unresolved cause that's pretty typical, right? So now we keep arguing about the same shit over and over again, cause we ain't resolved it. So what's a fair, you know, then it was like, we agreed on an hour or depending on the situation, you know, how long it takes for us to come back and talk about, but we don't talk about it. We don't talk about it.
Hurd (47:19.846)
Bye.
Hurd (47:24.131)
Right.
Hurd (47:27.551)
Mm-hmm.
Hairston (47:30.159)
Right.
Hurd (47:30.275)
Yeah.
Hurd (47:36.098)
Mm-hmm
Hurd (47:40.354)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause I think Harrison mentioned that earlier. I don't like to be uncomfortable, not in my own house. So I'm not for the silent treatment. We not about to be walking around here for days. You know what I mean? Not talking to each other and like, I ain't with it. So we can move away from it. If cooler heads need to prevail, sure. But it's gonna come more.
Hairston (47:52.125)
Mm-mm.
Darby (47:52.187)
No.
Darby (47:57.162)
Yeah. And sometimes those girls are somebody sleeping on the couch. I'm like, I'm getting it. My bad. I like my big head.
Hairston (48:05.151)
Mm-mm. No. Oh, mm-mm.
Hurd (48:07.687)
I'm not sleeping on the couch. Like, I'm not sleeping on the couch. Right, we gotta eat. Listen.
Darby (48:09.814)
We, yeah, yo ass is sleep on couch. A lot of things.
Hairston (48:11.295)
And I'm hungry, like we gotta eat. Right, what you want to eat? Cause I'm not doing this. Let's just eat and get over it. Cause I'm not doing this with you.
Hurd (48:21.61)
Listen, food is a healing thing when it comes to conflict because we gotta eat. And I feel like that, in my own personal experience, that has cracked the code on so many disagreements. All right, we gotta consult. Yes, we gotta have it. We gotta have some consultation. I know you hungry. You done worked up yourself. You know what I mean?
Darby (48:25.054)
Jesus. He is. Yeah.
Hairston (48:25.384)
It is.
Darby (48:34.97)
agree because then you got to go in there and be like well what's for dinner especially when you got kids right you got to talk about like what
Hairston (48:38.167)
Ah!
Yes, we gotta figure it out.
Like what you want?
Darby (48:49.987)
You may be all day, you may yelling all the time or whispering, you know.
Hurd (48:55.379)
I know you hungry. So let's figure it out, right? Mm-hmm. Ha ha ha.
Hairston (48:58.779)
Alright.
Darby (48:59.134)
Mm-hmm, so who definitely can heal some things? I do want to circle back to how we then show up in front of our own children, right? So we had to learn, I mean, I already knew because I know mostly everything. I'm usually like 90% right. He probably wouldn't agree. But so I already knew though that when we have these disagreements, we then have to follow up with our children, right? So we'll have a follow-up conversation like.
Hurd (49:15.174)
Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe
Darby (49:27.602)
Mom and dad don't agree on everything and it is okay. It's just about being respectful to each other because now I want them to see when they get older. This is how you manage conflict. Conflict is going to come and go. But be respectful and that's all I ask moving forward. Just or don't talk to me until we can be respectful.
Hurd (49:31.353)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (49:36.634)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (49:42.84)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (49:47.126)
until you can. No, I think that's important. I think people forget that because there's, I mean, you know, like we were mentioning earlier, this idea to like keep everything away from the kids. The kids are there. They see everything, they hear y'all. I don't care how quiet you try to be. Like they're picking up on it. So to not address it, you leave room for assumption and anxiety, they're gonna fill in the blanks.
Darby (49:58.166)
Yeah, yep. Yes. Yeah.
Darby (50:09.738)
Yep. And anxiety.
Hairston (50:10.245)
Yeah.
Hurd (50:13.902)
some kind of way, right? So to be able to find like age appropriate ways to communicate, you know, just that fact, like you said Darby, like, you know, disagreements happen. We're not always gonna see eye to eye, but it's about the delivery and it's about communication. This is a part of being in any relationship, friendship, coworker, family, like it's a part of it. You have to figure out how to be able to have different perspectives, disagree.
Darby (50:27.806)
Yeah.
Darby (50:32.918)
Yes.
Hairston (50:38.159)
All right.
Hurd (50:41.846)
and still keep it above board and come back together.
Darby (50:46.786)
Yep.
Hurd (50:47.951)
mmm
Hairston (50:47.955)
I can say like in my, in my household, um, the previous one, uh, you, I did do that. Like I did not talk to, well, I was a counselor, so that matters because with kids is I'm having that conversation with you anyway. This is not how you talk to people. This is not how let's talk about this. So what I didn't, like I said, I didn't really argue. So you didn't hear a lot. You just heard us having a conversation.
Darby (51:01.262)
Hehehe
Hurd (51:02.3)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (51:05.738)
Yeah. Yes.
Darby (51:15.256)
Mm.
Hurd (51:15.309)
Mm-hmm.
Hairston (51:17.119)
Um, that, but they didn't hear what we were talking about because it was none of their business. So they knew we were talking, but not really knew that we, that, that there was an issue. You could tell I might have an attitude or he did or whatever, but like at the same time, so I do think that was part of it, but I also tried to make sure that I taught how to have a conversation because we going to meet and you as a kid, we're going to disagree too.
Darby (51:21.15)
Pepper. Yeah, the details. Yeah.
Hurd (51:21.153)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (51:24.896)
Mm-hmm
Darby (51:41.684)
Absolutely.
Hairston (51:41.791)
And I want to have this conversation so you understand, just because you disagree, first of all, that don't mean that you're right or wrong. It's just a disagreement that we can have. Let's talk about it. And I find it interesting, my son is 20. Well, anyway, he, oh, but I do think that he, he is better at that now where he can actually, you know, have a conversation and you can disagree.
Hurd (51:49.811)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (51:58.034)
No, we don't need exact ages here. That's not necessary.
Hurd (51:58.722)
Hehehehehehehehehehehehe
Hairston (52:09.359)
But what I actually used to teach him is how to debate and how to fight for your point. Like, you're going to have to support whatever it is that you're saying. So like, if you feel some type of way, and this is what's going on, give me some support. Like, make me understand what it is that you're trying to say to me. So it's funny now because he uses that often in conversation, you will hear him give you the facts.
Hurd (52:17.014)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (52:17.151)
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Darby (52:26.145)
Mm-hmm.
and
Hurd (52:35.935)
Mm-hmm.
Hairston (52:37.219)
give you like this and this and he's a great debater. So like that that's even more he's getting into trouble at school because they would say he was arguing with the teacher. And then when I find out what he said, I was like, actually he wasn't but okay, I get what you're saying. He was talking back. I'm like he was he was just defending his he was just defending his position. He was just defending his the his position and you're just not happy with the results because you disagree with him and I apologize that I taught him how to do that.
Hurd (52:46.158)
Mm-hmm.
Buzzy? Yeah.
Darby (52:54.864)
Not really. Oh my goodness, I do it now. Those are my children.
Hairston (53:07.043)
but you know, it's whatever. Yeah.
Darby (53:07.47)
or that he questioned you, right? Like, so I get that a lot. My kids question adults and they think that's disrespectful. Back in the day, it was considered disrespectful. It's no, he has a valid, he asked a valid question. I would like to know the answer as well, actually.
Hurd (53:07.597)
Yeah.
Hurd (53:14.104)
Yes.
Hurd (53:20.158)
Yeah.
Hairston (53:22.723)
That was me. I would be like, well, technically he did ask the correct question. And could you answer it? Cause I'm, I'm waiting for that answer. They would be so irritated, but anyway, so yeah, just teaching him how to have conversations, difficult conversations, and not just quitting in the middle of the conversation, like, no, we don't talk about it. It's difficult, but no raised voices. I see you breathing a little hard and that's okay. Do that under, under that breath. Cause.
Darby (53:27.618)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Hurd (53:29.646)
Right.
Hurd (53:34.275)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (53:40.793)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (53:42.766)
Yeah. Yep.
Hurd (53:47.982)
Hehehehehehe
Darby (53:48.913)
Mm-hmm. Yep. Mm-hmm.
Hairston (53:51.779)
I'm still your mother, but no, but yeah, no, just have a conversation. So yeah, but they didn't see it necessarily like that. That he did all of that. They didn't really hear that or see it only because I was like, the kids are here. I don't want to teach them that this is how you communicate. We don't need to scream and holler. I don't need to teach them this. They don't need to see that there's a maid, like they're major disagreements because why can't we just have a conversation? We both, why?
Hurd (53:53.966)
Yeah!
Darby (54:02.136)
Yeah.
Darby (54:09.366)
Yeah.
Hurd (54:09.583)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (54:18.766)
Yeah.
Hurd (54:19.108)
Mm-hmm.
Hairston (54:21.716)
So it was more of that in that space.
Darby (54:24.376)
Yeah.
Hurd (54:25.606)
Yeah, you bring up a good point though, like, how does it happen where kids, your kids in particular, when they do disagree, like when they do, you know, yeah, just disagree with something like how does that get voiced? And how does that get communicated? And more so how does it get received? Because I think the reception of it is
individualized, like depending on your background. We're all counselors, we're all clinicians, right? So I feel like we are a little bit more open to, you know, the dissent, right? To listening and like understanding that just because you're disagreeing with something, it's not automatically taking its disrespect. It is you pointing out your perspective that differs.
Hairston (54:55.535)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (54:56.242)
Yeah.
Hairston (55:01.9)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (55:02.634)
Yeah, listening. Yeah.
Darby (55:15.952)
Yeah.
Hairston (55:16.843)
Andy.
Hurd (55:19.462)
And as long as you are doing it respectfully, I'm good with it. But I think that doesn't always happen, especially in black homes, because we were raised that, if I tell you something, it is what it is, seeing it in her, how dare you question my authority as a parent. It just doesn't happen. And it was... Mm-hmm.
Darby (55:20.273)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (55:26.35)
I agree. Definitely not. Seen and not heard. Absolutely, period. Didn't beat. Yeah. And I think out from the.
Hairston (55:39.13)
Yeah.
Darby (55:43.166)
Nah, go ahead. You did it. It's a delight.
Hurd (55:44.65)
Yeah, I mean, I just think in the ways that we were raised as Black people, that was automatically taken as a sign of disrespect, right? If you don't follow exactly what I have asked you to do or told you to do or what's expected of you to a T and you dissent with that in some kind of way, it is automatically disrespect.
I think it's always the case.
Darby (56:04.618)
Yeah, this is why I'm so open to conversations with my children, right? Like they're there are and they are very special. They are very they want to negotiate all the time. They there is a like rationale about things where if I did that as a child, it wasn't happening. But I'm also open to it, right? Because sometimes they make good points. Sometimes I'm like.
Hairston (56:08.078)
Yes.
Hurd (56:15.054)
Hehehe
Mm-hmm.
Hairston (56:18.69)
Yes.
Hurd (56:27.094)
It was not well received, right?
Darby (56:32.898)
Oh, well maybe we could do it that way. I hadn't even thought of it that way, right? So I think they feel safe. That creates a safe space for them to say, well, I don't, not necessarily, they're not like saying, no, mom, I'm not doing that. But they're just like, well, there's also another way to do it. And I'm like, I'm open, let's see. It's for you to decide, especially my 15 year. He's getting to the point where.
Hurd (56:35.886)
Yeah.
Hairston (56:40.559)
Yeah.
Hurd (56:50.127)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (56:56.446)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (57:01.386)
He needs to figure out some things on his own. Like, we can't make those decisions for him. Who are we to tell him, well, you're better at one sport than you are at another, and maybe you shouldn't play this other sport, right? Like, if he feels like he wanna go out there and play all the sports, not all of them, because I'm tired of taking people to practice. But let him try it, right? Like, I had to tell my husband the other day, like, who are we to tell him?
Hurd (57:04.324)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (57:20.942)
Hehehehehehe
Darby (57:28.978)
you probably should just focus on this sport over here. Nah, it's a job. Mm-mm. Nope.
Hurd (57:31.874)
Mmm.
Hurd (57:36.558)
Yeah, I think black men have a heart.
I'm not gonna generalize, like, I think. Just because, you know, it's that, the egos, man, like, sometimes they can get in the way and bringing in that, you know, traditional, patriarchal way that you were raised translates, and I think it's difficult for them to sometimes understand it, just because someone doesn't disagree with you.
Darby (57:45.15)
Well, black men lie though.
Hurd (58:09.591)
doesn't mean that you're doing this.
Darby (58:13.099)
Yeah.
Hairston (58:13.307)
I think that is like the biggest, the word disrespect and the definition of it is what, like the way that people say, well, you're, you're disres, you're disrespecting me. And it's like, I literally, I just accidentally like bumped into you. I am so sorry. No, you just disrespectful. Like you just are like, whoa, whoa. So the definition.
Hurd (58:20.48)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (58:21.643)
Mm. Who defines it? Right.
Hurd (58:27.416)
Right.
Darby (58:32.407)
Yeah.
Hurd (58:33.495)
Right, right.
Hairston (58:41.547)
And all of the things that go with the word disrespect and how you define that and then the ego connected to the word or the definition or the lack thereof definition is crazy. It's crazy because once you say disrespect and the ego is connected to it, now we are in a battle. Whereas if it was a misunderstanding.
Hurd (58:51.31)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (58:55.596)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (58:56.866)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (59:06.497)
Mm-hmm.
Hairston (59:09.387)
it would be less of an issue. But the word disrespect and then connected to the ego, now we got a whole bunch of problems that probably aren't really there. But the fact that you find disrespect in the way that you do, you think everybody is disrespecting you. Like at all points.
Hurd (59:11.769)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (59:12.034)
Yeah.
Hurd (59:20.388)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (59:26.784)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Darby (59:30.354)
When you needed to find what this was like, your disrespect for my disrespect for the same thing, like me being assertive to some people, and let's be clear when you set boundaries, and that's a whole nother episode we gonna talk about, but when you set boundaries with people, no, because I'm already exhausted by this, but anywho, when you set boundaries with people, to them it is now disrespectful, but that's because they're not getting what they want anymore, right? Like, mm-mm.
Hurd (59:35.819)
Mm-hmm.
Hairston (59:41.119)
Oh, Lord. Yeah, that can't be today.
Hurd (59:42.118)
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
Hurd (59:48.666)
Hehehehe
Hurd (59:54.026)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Hairston (59:58.243)
Well, because you said no. So if I say, if I say, I, this is too much for me. I need you to step back or I can't, I can't, I don't have the capacity to do this right now. Or, you know, I really just don't want to do this. It's like, what? So, oh, so you just gonna, so you just gonna disrespect me like that? Like, so now I'm, you know, and it, and it becomes a thing. So boundaries and like the whole, the disrespect definition, I promise you.
Darby (01:00:00.234)
Yep. Pat out.
Hurd (01:00:00.578)
Yeah, they don't like it.
Hurd (01:00:15.418)
You be a rude.
Darby (01:00:21.736)
Mm-hmm.
Hairston (01:00:26.967)
It's only a few things that will get me going, but the definition of disrespect connected to ego and of course unspoken expectations Whoo, lord have mercy though. Those things who are like How are you? How to explain because i'm that person right? So i'm not I can't just say sorry because you said I was supposed to because I am also a person that wants to be very genuine in what I say so that once I say it you believe me It's not a fake
Darby (01:00:36.96)
Mm.
Hurd (01:00:37.194)
Hehehehehehe
Darby (01:00:43.406)
Mm.
Hurd (01:00:46.497)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (01:00:48.727)
No, definitely not happening.
Hurd (01:00:55.734)
Mm-hmm.
Hairston (01:00:56.643)
I don't say I'm sorry just because I'm supposed like, Oh, I'm supposed to say it because when I actually mean it, you won't believe me. I need you to believe me. So in that space, I also need to know what did I just do that caused you to believe that I was trying to disrespect you or that made you feel that I disrespected you like explained to me. But when you ask that question, like, tell me how I disrespected you, then it'd be then it's even bigger. It gets bigger.
Darby (01:01:01.272)
Mm-hmm.
Right. Yep.
Darby (01:01:13.781)
Uh huh.
Darby (01:01:17.942)
Yes.
Hairston (01:01:26.083)
Like now, now it's because you actually, because your definition, like, let's talk about the definition and then go from there. But that, of course, in that space, you already rah rah. So you ready, you ready. And it's like, I don't even know, like, how do I, I got to pull back out of this because I don't even know how I disrespected you. Like I just said, good morning. And you know, like as you went to have a breakfast and you was like, Oh, that was disrespectful. Like
Hurd (01:01:26.626)
Right.
Darby (01:01:37.641)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (01:01:37.669)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (01:01:42.757)
Yeah.
Darby (01:01:47.906)
Yep. Mm-hmm. I have a lot in relationships.
Hurd (01:01:48.076)
Hehehehehehe
Hurd (01:01:52.262)
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Hairston (01:01:53.212)
Uh, I think you need to explain that. Like, what you talking about? You know what I mean? That's crazy.
Hurd (01:01:56.235)
Yeah!
Darby (01:01:57.942)
Yep.
Hurd (01:01:59.038)
Yeah, it's wrapped up in expectations. Like we were saying earlier, those unspoken expectations of what you find disrespectful and furthermore, why? Like, and is there room for you to be able to challenge yourself on that? Like just because you grew up? Yeah. Right, and it very well could, it could be, you know what I mean? But like, let's get some clarity on those expectations of what...
Darby (01:02:01.846)
Back to that. Yep.
Darby (01:02:14.963)
Mm-hmm. Because is it a you problem, or is it me? Right?
Hairston (01:02:20.552)
is.
Hairston (01:02:24.13)
It hurts.
Hurd (01:02:27.662)
you know, we particularly in intimate relationships, what we consider you crossing a line looks like.
Darby (01:02:34.122)
Yeah. Often.
Hairston (01:02:35.391)
And then if I don't agree though, like, so say you have an expectation and I say, well, that is not something that I'm going to do. I'm not going to do that. I'm then, so then when I tell you that I'm not going to do this and then you keep expecting it, I'm not disrespecting you because I already said I wasn't going to do it, but you will identify, you will label that a certain way as me being a certain type of whatever it is. But I already said alone, like,
Darby (01:02:39.136)
Yeah.
Darby (01:02:43.566)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (01:02:45.377)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (01:02:51.024)
Yeah.
Darby (01:02:52.342)
No, I told you.
Darby (01:03:02.325)
Yeah.
Hairston (01:03:04.119)
So basically, like who's being disrespected in that space? Are you are you disregarding what I said or like how I mean, what are we doing here? You know, I mean.
Hurd (01:03:07.676)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (01:03:12.47)
Yeah.
Hurd (01:03:12.706)
Right, right. Cause you invalidated my feelings, it's disrespectful as fuck in my book. And if I told you how I felt about it, and you're, I told you I'm not doing it. This is how I feel to be that disrespectful. But the conversation definitely needs to happen, right? To get rid of those underlying assumptions that people come into relationships with.
Darby (01:03:19.422)
Absolutely. And I already told you I'm not doing it.
Hairston (01:03:20.731)
Thank you.
Darby (01:03:27.687)
Hehehe
Darby (01:03:37.45)
And I think that's what happened in my own marriages. My husband had some expectations. His mom stayed home and cleaned and cooked and stuff. And I had to remind him that I have a PhD. And so we back to that. I don't know if you forgot motherfucker, but I'm not about to be at home cooking and cleaning. So we had to go to therapy. He had to really just open up and understand like that's not who she is. Like...
Hurd (01:03:37.603)
Mmm.
Hairston (01:03:45.93)
Oh, yeah.
Hurd (01:03:47.446)
We've never met you. He must've known you.
Hairston (01:03:55.771)
Hahaha
Hurd (01:03:56.27)
Hahaha!
Hurd (01:04:06.383)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (01:04:06.75)
And I told him, I have a cleaning person to clean this house. I'm not cleaning no house no more. I have earned the right to do some things that I'm not doing. Is the house clean? Just because it's not clean in the fashion you want it, the way you want it clean. Is it clean? If there is something you want beyond that, then have at it. Motherfucker, have at it. But I have done my part and that's, that's where we had to meet in the middle. Like it's not going to be the way you want it done, but is it done?
Hurd (01:04:20.153)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (01:04:27.359)
Mm-hmm.
Hairston (01:04:28.033)
Exactly.
Hurd (01:04:36.363)
Mm-hmm.
Darby (01:04:37.258)
And if you want it done a different way. And then I had to now take the anxiety and the fixing it off of me, like, oh no, I had to do it the way he wanted me to do it. Nope, I'm over it. Not, nope. Nope, not doing it. So, well, I think that we would like to hear from our listeners around.
Hurd (01:04:41.05)
Feel free.
Hurd (01:04:48.771)
Right.
Hurd (01:04:52.418)
Mm-hmm.
Hurd (01:04:57.528)
Yeah.
Darby (01:05:04.642)
Different topics, right? Like email us, you have to create that email, to email us about things we can, we'd like to tap in or tell you to tap on out, right? So tell us some of the things you wanna talk about and we gonna talk about some questions on here in future episodes. So we, this is our first one, y'all. I think we made it.
Hairston (01:05:13.674)
No.
Hurd (01:05:31.21)
Yeah, first one in the books. I like it. I like it.
Hairston (01:05:31.819)
Yes, yes, yes.
Darby (01:05:36.29)
We did it. Yes.
Hurd (01:05:41.562)
Good stuff.
Darby (01:05:41.859)
All right. Is this certain way, is that the close? We good?
Hurd (01:05:44.834)
Well, I don't know if there's a close. Stay tuned.
Darby (01:05:50.814)
I mean, I feel like the next time will be the question, right? Like have some, we could just have somebody, want to ask somebody, ask a question or something. But like that would be our closing, right? Like, so we got this question from, or anonymous, right? And the question is about blah, blah. So, and then we each give our own perspective. Would you tap in or tap out? And be done.
Hairston (01:06:01.699)
Mmm.
Hurd (01:06:07.363)
Mm-hmm.
Hairston (01:06:10.913)
Right.
Hurd (01:06:18.562)
Alright, so should we do a certain clothes?
Darby (01:06:19.69)
And then if y'all each want like a, yeah, I think we each should have a certain like, you know, all right, thank y'all for listening. Whatever, I don't even have no idea what. Let me think of something, y'all think of something. Cause each of us should have our own, maybe. Or do we have a collective one? You know.
Hairston (01:06:40.891)
Probably.
Hurd (01:06:41.75)
Mmm, I don't think we each need our own. I think we just need some way to wrap it up So, yeah
Darby (01:06:46.154)
Okay.
Like thank y'all for tapping in with Tiffany. I don't know.
Darby (01:06:55.768)
You want to do it?
Hairston (01:06:56.235)
That makes sense. Like we would like to thank you all for tapping in with Tiffany and you have a good week on purpose.
Hurd (01:06:57.628)
You... I'm-
Hurd (01:07:05.702)
Go ahead, Harrison, do it again so Ron can edit it. Ha ha.
Hairston (01:07:08.788)
Until next time.
Darby (01:07:12.424)
Yeah, go ahead. You got it. Yep. He did it, but just do it again.
Hairston (01:07:14.255)
So you want me to say that? You probably got it. What did I just say? We would like to thank you for this time that you have spent with us, Tapping In with Tiffany. You have a wonderful week on purpose. Until next time.
Hurd (01:07:15.789)
Yeah.
Darby (01:07:33.634)
See you again. All right, let me stop.
Hurd (01:07:38.038)
I love it.